Memories

Nan & Pa WW2

The thing with my memory is that my longterm memory is working just fine.  Which seems great in theory, but it seems that the hardest memories for me to let go of are the incredibly painful ones.  The ones that have changed my life profoundly, one way or another.

Obviously, when things happen in our lives that we have no control over there is an impact.  When that event is painful and one that hurts and the impact is sadness and grief it is really hard.  This can be made even harder when your brain has this ridiculous ability to hold everything like a snapshot frozen in time.

I wonder if I hold this snapshot because if I let it go even the most painful parts, then somehow I have convinced myself then I will forget everything.  I will forget all the good times and all the wonderful qualities and well then when the memory is attached to a person then it is like they have never lived.  I don't know if this is true, even the thought of letting go is making my heart race and my breathing is becoming rapid, so I will just be for a little while and come back when this has passed.

Twenty Six years ago, I was just a few months short of turning 19 at the time and mostly recovered from my tonsil operation that I had a couple of weeks earlier (there is no better way to spend the summer holidays!)  It was a Thursday night like any other really.  The phone rang in the middle of the night and that never happened in our house especially then because my parents owned and ran a news agency so everyone knew that 830-9pm was really calling very late.

My Dad answered the phone and then I heard it the scream that I will never forget the only other time I can think of a scream just like it was a Friday in May 1998 when I was on the receiving end of the call that my parents had just taken.  But that is a story for another day.

February 1, 1990, was a day that my life and the lives of my extended family on my mum's side permanently changed forever.  It was the day that I started to build a little wall around myself little brick by little brick.  The call Dad took was my Uncle calling to let us know that my Grandparents, my Mum's parents had been tragically killed in a car accident.  None of it made sense I can feel that sense of complete confusion I felt at the time.

After that call my Dad made calls to his brother, my Aunt & Uncle came to stay with my brother and I until it was time for us to head over to the shop to open up.  Mum needed to be with her brother's and sister and their families, Dad needed to take her and we needed to open the shop until we could get someone to come and cover the shop for them.  I will never forget the moment we kissed my parents goodbye not really sure when we would see them again but knowing it was the hardest thing I had even done.

That next day and the week after I can still tell you all about in lots of detail but I am not sure it is necessary or even helpful to me to still hold these memories.  Try as I might though my brain just doesn't seem to want to let them go.  If I don't remember the bad then how can I remember them I suppose I don't know, I wish I did.  I wasn't the only one whose life changed profoundly and forever that day there were 2 sons, 2 daughters, 2 daughters in law, 2 son in laws, there were 10 grandchildren who would never know life as it was in the before ever again.

My grandparents were wonderful people.  At least to us grandkids they were pretty awesome.  My Nannie could be strict but boy she could be a total pushover too!  My Pa he was a man's man and he was always sleeping lol.  Pa had this amazing knack of falling asleep mid conversation and being able to join back in at exactly the right point it was always so funny growing up.

Nannie loved nothing more than to have fun with the grandkids and honestly she would do anything for us, except when we crossed the line.  Honestly sometimes you were never quite sure where it was until you crossed it but as soon as you had you knew it.  Nannie had a temper and we knew when we were in trouble.  This wasn't often but it happened.  I don't think Pa ever raised his voice to us kids I am not sure he had it in him honestly.

The things I remember most about Nannie was her love of life, honestly she would give anything a go.  There was a time when Nannie, Pa and my Uncle Gordon came to spend Christmas with us in Fiji and Nannie wanted to go snorkelling.  Nannie wasn't used to flippers, goggles and a snorkel and the only real stroke Nan could do was breaststroke.  In the water she went with the all the gear on oh she was a sight to behold and she started to breaststroke.  The thing is flippers are not designed to do breaststroke and using a snorkel is actually quite a skill to master.  There she was in no more than two foot of water clearly just about to drown.  All she needed to do was stand up which she did eventually, she was perfectly fine, and gosh we had a good laugh about it but Nan would not be deterred.

There was another time we went to the growers markets in Canberra (they weren't markets like we have today all trendy this was where you got your fruit, veg & meat).  Of we would all go in incredible safety in the Sigma station wagon Nan & Pa in the front, Mum & Dad and either my brother or I in the middle and the other over the back (often with the dog!)  This was around the time that Hubba Bubba was released in Australia.  My brother and I wanted some, Mum said no, Nannie went and bought some and had a piece (the main reason was if she was having it then we could!) This seems great in theory except for the fact that Nannie had false teeth.  Guess what Hubba Bubba isn't non-stick to false teeth, well it might be now but it wasn't in the late 70s'!  So this meant that we had to all go home, right then that minute because Nannie couldn't be seen ever with no teeth!  In fact I think this was one of the only times I remember her with no teeth, I know I would try to get up really early for a snuggle and catch her with no teeth but you never got a kiss until her teeth were in, Pa was the same.  Nannie had taken out her teeth because she had gum stuck on them, what do you do with teeth that have gum on them wrap them in a tissue of course.  I'm certain it will come as no surprise that tissue also sticks to Hubba Bubba!  Home we go!  The only thing that got Hubba Bubba off her teeth was metho, no amount of brushing could get that taste off the teeth, only time.

It wasn't the first time and wouldn't be the last time that Nannie would do something like that to justify the grandkids getting what we wanted against our parents wishes.  Pa was so patient and kind.  I honestly don't think that Pa ever raised his voice to me in my entire life.  As I said Pa dozed a lot but  only when sitting around doing nothing and it was just one of those things we loved about him.  He was long suffering with Nan, goodness I can hear her saying "Frank! Fraaaank can't you hear that noise! You aren't in the middle of the lane" when he would drift onto the cats eyes that make that noise as you drove over them.  In all honesty Nannie yelling was louder but still he adored her.  Pa had hearing aids that I am sure he had switched off half the time so that he deliberately couldn't hear Nannie but goodness she loved him too.

My last memory of Pa was actually the night of their funeral I was sleeping on their lounge room floor, Pa came to visit me and he told me that he loved me, he said that he and Nan were together and they were safe now.  I know that the most incredibly feeling of peace washed over me when that happened.  Maybe I imagined this to help comfort me, to help me process the tragedy in the only way I could, I believe that he truly came to me.  Who knows.

There are so many times since 1990 that I have wished more than anything that Nannie & Pa were still here.  I wish that they had been here longer for my younger cousins to have had more time with them, to have some of the memories we all have but it wasn't to be.  I wish that they had been here to see at least some of us married and some of the great grandchildren born.  Last count I think there are at least 25 great-grandchildren though I think there are more.  Nannie would have just adored to have held our babies, gosh she would have fussed over them.  The amount of times I have cursed Pa for not being here because we have needed a plumber I have lost count.  We have lots of electricians in the family but no Plumbers!  Pa we miss you.  Mostly I miss Pa's calm nature.

I know that if they had known what was coming it wouldn't have made them happy, but I also know that they were together at the end and that more than anything was the right way for them to be.  They would do anything for their family, we truly were their world.

Besides if I ever really miss my Nannie too much I don't need to look too far I only really need to give my Mum a hug because she is just like Nannie.

I miss you Nan & Pa no less today than when I first heard the news all those years ago.

Cathy xoxo

Please indulge me with a few photos it is hard to narrow it down to just a few. 

Nan & Pa

The Bookends and Brothers Brian & Gordon

Sunday Roast 

Pretty sure this is July 1986 with Renee

40th Wedding Anniversary

Nannie with her sisters Alice and Nina visiting from England

Uncle Gordon off to the Navy (didn't last long) 

Nannie & Pa with Katrine, Kylee, Sean & Me

Nannie, Mum and I 

Pa 

Nannie 

Fishing in QLD 

Pa & Gordon

Nan & Pa with Renee

Bula Pa! 

This is just so Nannie 

School Reunions ...

to go or not to go? ... that is the question!

Recently I got an invite to attend my Year 10, 30 year School Reunion.  We had a small reunion five years ago and the girl who organised it put in a huge amount of work and I am not sure she got a huge amount of thanks for it!  So Kelly I would like to say thanks in case no-one did at the time.  I remember that organising this had more than a few dramas for Kelly but mostly it was a pretty good night.  

Anyway, a different Kelly has decided that she is going to try to rustle up a group for a reunion.  30 years since doing year 10 that sounds like a lifetime ago and it was.  So much has happened since then in all of our lives and I am sure that many of us are very different people to who we were in high school, though many really haven't changed all that much at all.  I went to an all girls high school and we had a huge school there was over 1000 girls at it's peak when I was there.  So as you can imagine our year group had every clique under the sun, the nerds, the toughies, the pretty girls, the dags, the sporty, the girls that all had boyfriends and so many more!  

I remember at the last reunion there was that group of friends who were still all incredibly tight.  They have remained in touch since high school in fact so much so that a few of them have married each other's brother's so they are now not only friends but sister in laws too.  It really isn't and hasn't been like that since leaving school for me.  I left school with very few close friends, most of my friends now are from very different circles.  I have left the area I grew up in, though many of the people from both of the schools I attended are still living there (clearly they were much more organised than me and bought homes much earlier than I did because at 30 when I was looking that area was well out of my price range!) 

I went to a number of high school's growing up.  My first one was in Fiji and was the International School with all the other expat kids I did my first year of high school there. Due to my age (I was only 11 turning 12) on return to Sydney I couldn't be placed into year 8 even though academically it would have been fine.  Hindsight probably says that I should have actually gone right back to year 6 to have that awkward resettlement year in primary school where kids are still that little bit more forgiving rather than try to do it in year 7.  Either that or perhaps stayed in Fiji a little bit longer.  

I don't really have the fondest memories of high school in Australia at either of the schools I went to but somehow I made it through - I wouldn't say it was unscathed though.  In years 7-10 I felt like I was the odd one out.  Everyone else had that really close group of friends and I always felt that I was trying to hard to be included in a group and whilst I had friends I would say that I floated between a few different groups.  Not necessarily by choice but more by where I was feeling more accepted on any given day.  Things didn't improve a whole lot when I changed schools for years 11-12 (again I am not sure that was a great idea changing from an all girls school to a co-ed school at 15 when I was just discovering boys!) 

It's hard to describe my high school years without feeling quite sad, I always felt incredibly left out and for the majority of year 7 I read books in the library at lunchtime so that I didn't look like a "Nigel No Mates" in the playground.  Towards the end of the year slowly I was accepted into a group and was "assimilated into the borg" that is teenage girls!  It didn't help that I was bored in class because I had done the work but it was evidently clear that if I was smart there was little to no chance ever of assimilation.  So this set up the never ending conflict between my parents and teachers on one side who knew I had far more ability than I was using and my desire to be accepted and assimilate which meant being a lot dumber because no-one liked the smart kid - all of this added to the fact I was only 11 and I really just didn't understand the social structure of how a girls high school worked. My previous experience of high school in Fiji was that everyone was friendly because everyone was new and everyone had left their friends behind from wherever they had come from so everyone was as equally lonely so wanted friends.  Plus I am talking 1981-83 so no internet and pretty much a 6week turnaround in letters to Australia!  Being an expat these days I think would be a very different experience.  

This however, was not the case at the Girls High School when I got back to Australia. There was a most definite pecking order and this was not determined by the smart girls (or even the pretty girls) but by the tough crowd.  Today my experience of high school would be described as bullying but back in the early 80's it really was very much a suck it up princess and take a cup of concrete scenario.  I would probably say that somewhere in-between is probably a better solution.  Kids can't be expected to be liked all the time by everyone but it is very, very lonely having no-one to turn to at school.  

So all of this brings me back to the talk of the 30 year reunion.  I was incredibly nervous attending the reunion 5 years ago and 5 years ago things actually weren't too bad in my life.  I mean I was no world beater, but I had completed my degree, I had 3 healthy kids, I was (still am to the same guy lol)  married and we had (still have) a nice home in the Illawarra.  It was nothing to get excited about, I hadn't done anything amazing like invent post-its* or anything like that but it was nothing at all to be ashamed of.  As I said I was very nervous about going that night so somehow I managed to arrange with one of the girls that I was friendly with at school but hadn't seen well pretty since school that I would pick her up and drive.  At least that way I wasn't walking in alone.  As I expected when walking in the room I felt just like I was back at school.  You could tell the girls that were still incredibly close in fact this was probably just a normal Saturday night for them which also meant that they really weren't interested in catching up with anyone else.  There were others who also kept in touch but not quite as regularly as the first group and then there were a few like me coming along to say hi to whoever might be there and hadn't really kept in touch with anyone since school.  The other big issue for me was that none of the girls that I had "hung" with at school came along.  This in part was because they are all still super close and had no interest in seeing anyone else.  So in an instant I was 40 years old being transported back to the year 7 playground 11years old with no-one to talk to.  In fact so much so it took three attempts before I could actually find a seat each time I went to sit down I was told that seat was being saved for x.  Nothing like being made to feel welcome. 

Between then and now I would say my life has turned pretty much upside down and to crap!  If I was concerned about not looking or appearing successful 5 years ago when at least on the outside I had it mostly together, oh boy how will I even pull off an appearance of having it together this time!  Particularly with the spectacular breakdown that has occurred over the last 12mths there are some things that are just a little bit hard to hide, like the walking stick or the fact my licence has been revoked on medical grounds, or the panic attacks that come from nowhere and can be debilitating to name a few. What do I say? Do I be honest fess up and say well the truth is that basically I have had depression and anxiety in some form or another since you were mean to me in high school.  Sure the high school stuff was a long, long time ago but it was the beginning.  It was where I taught myself coping mechanisms so that I would be accepted (possibly not liked but accepted was better than years in the library lonely!) 

It is hard enough writing a blog and knowing that when I put something out there I really don't know who will read it.  So there is an element of vulnerability already there, what if I walk into the room and find out people have actually read it?  How will that feel?  I mean it is one thing knowing that a few close friends read it, and sure I know some of the people who read my ramblings in real life but most I don't.  Also, even the ones that I might know who are reading my ramblings I don't see them every day so I am able to kid myself that it is ok.  

What if I go and they haven't read my blog (because even though I don't want them to it would be easier) and they ask how's things?  It is about 6mths away so in reality I could be significantly better by then but what if I'm not?  What do I say?  Oh I had a mental breakdown and I can't work anymore and I can't drive and basically I can't do very much at all!  Do people really want that honesty at a reunion?  Probably not.  

Then of course there is that part of me that says well most of these girls didn't like me at school and I really haven't kept in touch with many people from school, probably only a handful now thanks to FaceBook.  So will it be any different this time?  It clearly wasn't at the 25 year reunion so is it likely to be much different 5 years later?  

What if I go and have a big panic attack because you know I will already be feeling vulnerable walking in the door and that isn't likely to help in anyway at all and will sure bring attention my way. Though that won't be the type of attention I will want!  What if they see that I am just a big fraud and I am really just like a big lump of kinetic sand and I can hold it all together on the surface but squeeze too tight or push too hard and I will just fall apart.  That won't really be the look I will be going for!  Then of course there will be the ridiculous paranoia that will set in that they will all talk about me behind my back after the night.  Which in itself is even more ridiculous because honestly why would they!  They didn't care enough to be my friend or talk about me 30 years ago so why would they now!

FOMO - this is a huge one, I missed the 25 year get together for the school I attended for years 11-12 I had ummmed and ahhhed about attending right up to the very last minute and in the end completely chickened out.  Then I saw the photos of the people who went and how much fun they had and how much I had wished I had gone.  So will I have a big case of FOMO (fear of missing out) if I don't go?  

Lastly it is just fear!  Fear that because things aren't nearly as together as they were 5 years ago they will judge me.  Fear that they will ignore me like they did 5 years ago and 30 years ago at school.  Fear of everything really (including fear that some of them will read this!) 

I don't want pity from anyone or people to say of course we will talk to you etc.  A lot of this is just the random thoughts running through my head.  I would also argue though that these are quite likely the random thoughts that could be running through a lot of the other girls I went to school with (or even yours if you are invited to a reunion) and sometimes it helps to know you are not alone!  The other thing of course is that in the last five years Facebook has really exploded.  Many people were on Facebook but not really into it in 2011 (it had only really been around for four years then,) but now days anyone I want to keep in touch with from school I can through the beauty of Facebook.  Plus what do you actually talk about at the reunion if you know what they are up to because of Facebook.

There is a part of me that wants to go, there have been a number of girls from school who have followed my journey and have been incredibly supportive in the last 12mths so it would be nice to see them.  There is also the big scared cat part of me that says just stay at home put your Pj's on, hire your favourite movie, get a tub of ice cream and forget all about it.  Maybe I suggest we do a Facebook reunion and all stay at home in our Pj's, watching the same movie eating ice-cream and chatting online about "the good old days".   Ultimately I just won't know until much closer to the time just how strong I am doing mentally and physically.  In the meantime I will continue to work myself up into a little school reunion anxiety ball right up until the day.  

Did you go to any of your school reunions?  

In 1986 we somehow managed to convince our teachers to allow JGHS

to team up with JBHS and enter into the 2SM Rock Eisteddfod this was the song!

*  Romy & Michele's High School Reunion

hugsCathy xoxo 

15yrs ago ...

Today I marry

my best friend

my lover 

my everything.  

These were the words I put on the outside of our order of service that we handed out to everyone as they came into the church.  We had a lovely church service on a day that was not dissimilar to today heat wise.  I had decided years earlier right or wrong I would wear an opera coat and the veil my mum wore on her wedding day.  An opera coat from shot silk on a day where the mercury was above 30 was never really a great idea, I did have a combat plan though and that was once the photos were done I would take my veil off and give it back to my cousin/photographer she had worn it at her wedding as well as her mum (mum's sister) so it is a really lovely family veil and I would also strip off the opera coat revealing a party dress underneath.  

We wrote our own vows and surprisingly (or not) I did not vow to obey my husband.  Here they are 

With the love that resides in my heart, 

I take you to be my chosen one

to desire and be desired by you without sin or shame.  

I promise to love you completely

in sickness and in health, 

in plenty or in poverty.  

I will not seek to change you in anyway and 

I will respect you as I respect myself 

This is my promise to you, as long as we both shall live. 

We have had many highs and lows in the last 15 years but we have come through it together. Along the way we have done lots of exciting things as a family, volunteered in the various groups we are part of. We have also been blessed with three beautiful children who light up our world and keep my heart beating. We are also lucky to be surrounded by the love and support of our amazing families and friends whose support we have needed more than ever in the last year. 

I love you, and thank you for saying 'I do'. 

Here is a little video of photo memories from the last 15yrs (in no particular order!) Apologies it is a little long so grab a cuppa before you sit down to watch lol ... 

The lies we tell ourselves ...

It seems from my journals the last couple of days haven't been great.  In fact today if I described how I am feeling it would be what I imagine free falling from a plane feels like, just falling and completely out of control.  This is not really a feeling that I like at all.

Apart from the distinct lack of control it actually feels like I almost climbed out of the hole that I have been in.  Well not nearly out and probably not even close to the top, maybe though there was just a little bit of sunlight peeking through all the grey and darkness and dirt and crap that had been covering me for so long.  It no longer feels like that.

Image source: Michael Benanav for The New York Times

It feels like I have lost my grip and I am in free fall without a chute and loosing site of the teensy bit of light that I had.  It feels as though as I fall I am disturbing the dirt and try to find something to grip onto and I am bringing that back down on top of myself, slowly suffocating me in the process.  It is covering me again and I can't open my chute to slow the fall.

Source Unknown

I am not sure what has caused me to loose my grip though I can see from my writing it has been a pretty sad news week so perhaps that has something to do with it.  It could be the post Christmas come down, we have a biggish family and that time between Christmas and New Year is typically busy for us, in addition of course to the normal craziness of the lead up.  I suspect that I was operating on adrenalin during that period of time and trying so hard to hold it together for everyone around me let's face it who wants to be around a sad sack at Christmas time.  This has to be playing a part.

From what I have read I have also had two extremely lucid and vivid dreams.  I know in "the before" dreams like this would leave me beyond exhausted because it really feels like I am awake and living the dreams.  Which also means that in the morning or when I wake out of the dream I then need to process through all the feels that might have come up.  I am also physically exhausted from having no restful sleep.  

Sometimes these dreams can be incredible I can do and achieve incredible things, all my dreams and hopes for the future, for my family, my friends it is like living in an alternate reality.  The last couple of nights however, the dreams have not been like that.

The first one was where there was a big group of us on a cruise and someone humiliated me terribly doing something that was completely out of character for them and everyone was sitting around laughing at me because they all knew ahead of time and it was like I was the last person to know.  This dream was so horrible I woke up crying and I spent the day believing all the horrible things that happened in the dream.  It would seem that I spent the day sending text messages to get reassurance that the events that happened were in fact just a dream and not real.  The messages are beyond ridiculous in all honesty that doesn't seem that it has stopped my brain believing them and perpetuating them over and over (I am still feeling the feels from that today!).

My second dream was not quite as bad though it was equally as bizarre and the primary theme of this one was that at every turn I was managing to let everyone down because I was trying to be everything to everyone but achieving nothing at all.  This one was actually more bizarre because there was only a couple of people I knew in real life in it the rest of the people were either imaginary or blogs I have read or even ridiculously famous people.  Yet again, because I was letting people down left, right and centre there were a lot of not so nice feels in this dream.  I have been very blah from it.  It has really left me in an incredible funk.  In addition to the free fall with no chute none of this is leaving me in a very great place.

Certainly not feeling like I want to go anywhere or see anyone.  So I was actually a little bit excited when hubby said he was taking the kids out for the morning which meant I could have some time alone.  I thought of all the things I could do with that time but instead because I am so exhausted I just did nothing.  I have a long list of things I really WANT to do and one thing I feel I MUST get done before next Thursday but absolutely no motivation to get it done.  Partly because my brain keeps telling me that regardless of what I do I will never be good enough, I will let people down over and over, I am completely useless and unlovable so why bother.  No-one would even notice if I wasn't here. 

Thing is I rationally know that these things that my brain is telling me are not the truth but I don't seem to be able to believe the good.  It is these lies that my brain keeps telling me that are stronger and far more overwhelming at the moment.  I think I know, at least I need to hold onto the fact that I have climbed out once before and this time I can recognise I am falling again so maybe, hopefully I won't be down there so long.

In the meantime send me a lifeline for me to hold onto.  And if you see me with a smile on my face please don't let that fool you into thinking I am ok, I might be, but there is a very good chance I am crumbling inside just like kinetic sand.  So if you see me smiling and I tell you that I am fine and you think maybe I am not don't ask again just give me a hug or squeeze my hand to let me know that you are there for me.  

Anyone experiencing personal difficulties can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au or contact Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au 

Brick - Ben Folds Five 

Hugs 
Cathy xoxo 

Approximately 300 new days ...

I was searching the tv guide this afternoon to see what is on tonight and what is worth watching.  I got to Ch7 and stopped looking 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore is on.  I used to love this movie.  I used to think how romantic that Henry loved Lucy so much that he would get her to fall in love with him over and over everyday.  I also used to think it was sad that she couldn't remember all the wonderful (and slightly crazy) things he did for her.  Then (spoiler alert) it is revealed that she keeps a pretty detailed journal.  Of course, because it is a rom-com she falls in love with him, and they find a way to make it all work with her memory loss.

I say I used to love this movie because I am not so sure anymore.  For me it hasn't been 50 First Dates but much closer to around 300 new days give or take a week or so.  I started writing in a journal on Mar 9, 2015 but according to hospital information I went into hospital Feb 17, 2015 and as I remember none of this time at all I am not sure when everything started.  I am living this every day and if I don't read my journal or notes in my phone or diary or read over Facebook and messenger I honestly have no idea what is going on and I am stuck in about May 2012.  That is when I can tell you my last solid memory is.  I don't know why I am stuck then I know it was around Mother's Day which is just after mine and my twins birthday's I know what that memory is and I can almost describe it down to the clothes we were wearing that day and the food we ate.  Of course that doesn't help me now, today in January 2016!

The image where Lucy is showing Henry her journal 

So much has happened between then and now.  Some things really wonderful like as a family (my parents, my brother, sister in law and three nephews and my family of five) headed off to Disneyland in Anaheim.  I honestly have no memory at all of this trip.  I have lots of photos which is great but to me it is someone else's story except somehow all the people in the photos are my people.  We got two new dogs, wiped from my memory.  I need to be thankful it is only dogs that we got, and that we didn't have another child like Drew does in the movie!  My hubby has changed jobs last time I remember he was working shift work for a completely different company not the case anymore, he has also grown a beard which looks great except that I get a shock every morning when I see it!  My kids are significantly older (clearly!) I look different, I mean I know we all have days where we look in the mirror and can't quite reconcile that the person looking back at us is really you, we all think we are younger, less wrinkles, less grey etc.  Try looking in the mirror and having completely different hair sometime in the last 4 years I have cut it all off, and it would seem I am in the process of growing it back well today at least.

What I can tell you now living with this short-term memory loss and no apparent memory creation (though it is thought that I am somewhere making memories they just aren't in a place I can access them at the moment according to my journals) is not nearly as fun as it appears to be in 50 First Dates.  It is hard reading over journals from nearly a year ago and having no real connection to what I have written so I have to guess from what I have put down what I mean and what is really going on.  Try it for just one week, try to write down all the things you think are important and then the next day in reality you could hand your journal to someone else altogether to read and get them to work out what is going on and how you are feeling.  It is really hard work!

Today I read back over a lot of my journals some of it wasn't important at all but some of it was incredibly important and very sad really to read.  It got me thinking about has anything changed?  I found a blog I wrote back in July last year and here is some of it because really I think there are parts of it that are exactly the same as I feel today.  

The truth is for me I don't really feel like a whole lot has changed.  But I am very reliably informed that things are getting better at least physically.  I think that the physical progress is much easier for others to see change in.  For me I don't remember what I was like yesterday so it is hard to know what the progress is.  I can tell you that today, I am walking around with the aid of a walking stick, I felt a bit wobbly at times but I got from a to b which I guess is the most important thing. - I am still using the walking stick I still feel a little woozy but I also have a very sore big toe!  Apparently I managed to get a hairline fracture in my big toe!  Seriously only me! My arm I understand has also been a problem today it really just felt weak and it just takes more to think about using it.  I had tingling in different parts on my arm and face as well.  - My arm seems to be cooperating significantly more than it must have been in July because I am knitting again.  It still feels a bit heavy but it is working.  

Emotionally I am not sure that a whole lot has changed.  I read that I am being treated for PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, and a few other things.  For me this really just means that most days I feel sad, empty, a total ache in my heart (this is hard to describe really), anxious, overwhelmed and confused.  In addition to that I am exhausted from feeling all of those feelings all the time.  Plus I spend a lot of time (well I have today) trying to work out what is going on.  I guess if you think of all those mental health things and the brain as a computer hdd, my hdd needs a reboot.  So for now my brain is operating in safe mode, while the repairmen (my therapist and I) take each file out process it dertermine with this is something that needs to be kept or moved to the trash and then re-format the hdd.  I think this is going to be an incredibly long process but best we take the time and do it right than do it quickly and have to redo it in a few years. 

I think the most common thing everyone wants to know is if my memory has improved, I don't think so.  I woke up this morning completely confused, my head feels empty, I didn't recognise our dogs, my husband has to orientate me to what year it is and how old the kids are and what is going on in a really quick space of time.  Lots of changes have happened around the house and in our lives that I simply can't recall.  So I would say no this hasn't improved or changed.  I get through each day by reading facebook a lot I know this seems crazy but it does give me clues on things that have been going on.  I think that my memory loss is the hardest part for me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't cope very well when I am not in control and not remembering yesterday and not knowing what is coming without reading a journal or a daily diary is probably as far from in control I could possibly be. - All of this is still pretty much true for me.  I probably appear ok, or pretty much normal, from what I read I think this is partly because I am getting better at covering or making sure I read up as much as I can before I have to interact with others.  I know there are comments on how much time I am spending on Facebook but honestly it is fantastic to be able to bring me up to date in a really quick period of time!  If you ever need to remember something check your activity log! 

I think we made it through Christmas and New Year ok.  From the photos I have seen from this time it looks like I had a nice time surrounded by our families and it looks like NYE was a great night surrounded by family.  My writing tells me that while I was exhausted we managed to make it through pretty much ok.

Watching 50 First Dates it is very apparent to me how much my family loves me and especially my hubby.  Every morning it seems that he brings me up to speed with the most major things and then leaves me to read if I want to.  It is truly exactly like every night my slate is wiped clean and I start all over again.  It is really hard for me each day, but I can only imagine how exhausting and frustrating it is for my hubby and kids having to remind me every day what is going on.

I am off now to probably find something else to watch because even though it has been on while I have been writing this up it is really kind of depressing for me because it isn't nearly as much fun for me or the family in real life.  One thing I do know for sure is that my hubby must love me to keep doing this every day!  

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

hugs

Cathy xoxo

Suddenly

Suddenly everything changes.  Just like that your world and everything you know is different.  You wonder how on earth life will ever be normal again.  When events occur suddenly there is no time to process what is happening, why and how.  Sometimes these sudden events can be happy, life changing events do not always mean bad but in my experience typically these events happen and rarely are the happy.  

Some years before I married hubby, I had a few (well more than a few but no-one has time for all that) sudden life changing events.  These events have shaped who I am today.  That phone call in the middle of the night, that piercing scream and knowing that my world had changed forever will live with me forever.  Putting my parents in the car, waving them away for Dad to take Mum to be with her siblings and knowing that they were counting on my brother and I to get through the next day or so for them and the business, I grew up so much in that instant. 

A few years later and many other sudden events later (non of them good), suddenly my life changed in a way I could never have imagined.  My partner, my love was gone.  It was as if it all happened in slow motion that afternoon.  Somehow I had a sense, an urgency, more than a need to speak to him, we had spoken a few times that day but there was this nagging sense that wouldn't go away.  I called no answer, I called again this time someone answered but told me he was not available which was odd it was his mobile.  I tried again this time it went to message bank.  I still had this incredibly sense of dread that something was not right.  I called the hospitals in the area but he either hadn't arrived there yet or they just weren't saying.  I called his dad but he wasn't answering, I called his sister and left a message declaring that I was sure that something had happened could she please call me as soon as she heard from him or had any news.  

What I know now is that the person who answered the phone was one of the police in attendance.  His dad wasn't answering his phone on purpose and his sister never got the message her partner erased it when he heard my voice because he knew.  I was filled with a complete sense of dread (I was well passed the worry, anxiety and even panic) as I drove home in Sydney traffic constantly re-dialing, even calling my parents in case they had heard from him.  I had not long gotten in the door and the phone rang and suddenly my world collapsed around me, this time it was my body screaming, my body collapsing, my brain not taking in the words that were being said to me.  He was dead, a workplace accident.  Suddenly, everything changed in that moment.  I was different, my life was different, my future would be different.  

The happy ending to that story is that my husband is a wonderful man, who was a good mate of mine in the wings, who stood by me and supported me and slowly helped me to know love again.  Gently he walked with me until I was ready.  One day I was and suddenly much to my surprise he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me!  Perhaps if he'd known what was ahead of us he may have run while he still had a chance but I suspect he would have stayed he's pretty great like that!  

It could be argued that my world changed suddenly again this year.  I suspect that when everything fell apart it felt sudden to everyone including me.  Though in reality my breakdown was not really sudden but a very long, slow buildup with an extremely sudden event that made all of us sit up and take notice.  

Yesterday, it was my oldest's birthday,  funnily enough even this event in my life was sudden, unexpected and completely unplanned.  The quick back story is that I had been told many years earlier that babies would not be in my future.  So, finding out I was pregnant just after my 30th birthday party was very sudden and unexpected.  This was one of the very rare sudden events that was a happy one for me.  I would love to say the pregnancy was long, uneventful with no sudden changes but this was not to be.  Even though it was a complicated and difficult in the end his birth was still sudden and in an instant I knew my life would never be the same.  Years later my life would change suddenly again when we thought we were having baby number two but the ultrasound showed baby two AND three, again life was going to be different and it all happened suddenly.  (Anyone who has been told they are expecting multiples will understand this feeling - and in case you are wondering NO you cannot do anything to try to have or to avoid having multiples!) 

Yesterday, we travelled to a funeral.  We said goodbye to a friend.  Someone that my hubby had known for over 20 years and me just a bit less.  For his wife and son though a week earlier their lives had changed suddenly with no warning, no build up and no time to take in what was to come.  My heart aches for them I understand how profoundly that sudden change can impact your life, your being, and everything you think you know.  They are strong, they have each other and will draw comfort and strength from each other and their wider families and communities.  None of that will dent the impact of how a moment in time can change everything so suddenly, so profoundly that their lives will never be the same.  

Sometimes events that happen suddenly can be great, they give those of us prone to anxiety no time to think we simply have to react.  Sometimes the thinking is what holds us back from something that could be great.  Sadly though, in my experience most events that happen suddenly are not good and will not have happy endings.  My theory on why things that happen suddenly are much harder is time.  There is no time to think, no time to process, no time to come to terms with things before life takes over and we have to go through the motions.  When things happen suddenly we have to process and live at the same time. 

Whether it be good or bad something that happens suddenly will change you profoundly and forever.  

hugs
Cathy xoxo

My Premmie Babies

Today it is World Prematurity Day.  It is a day where we think of the babies who came too early and grew wings too soon.  We think of the research and the amazing medical advances that enable others born too soon to live.  We think of the knowledge that we have to help babies stay just that little bit longer because we all know that even an hr longer can make a difference.  We think about the amazing technologies that we have now to know sometimes it is better for baby to be out than in even if it is too soon.  And for me it is a day when I count my blessings that are my three beautiful, healthy, amazing children all of whom were born early.

My pregnancy with Zac was difficult from word go and an incredible surprise to everyone as I was under the impression that babies had been ruled out for me.  At least that is what the Drs had told me.   I was in and out of hospital for one reason or another and had various complications.  Zac decided that it was nearly time to meet us at 25wks, thank goodness for us the care my Dr gave me at that time slowed the progress of this to a stop which gave us a slight reprieve.  The second time Zac thought it would be a good idea to meet us was at 28wks and whilst his outcomes would have been significantly better at 28wks than 25wks it was still in reality far too soon.  So again my Dr was able to intervene and slow things to a stop.  Each time administering high doses of steroids to me to help the development of Zac's lungs in case he did come.  The third and final time that Zac decided he was done growing inside and wanted out there was no stopping things.  Apart from anything my waters had broken this time.

We arrived at the hospital about about 930 in the morning (after a shower, putting sheets in the washing - yes my waters broke in the bed thank goodness for mattress protectors and foam toppers!, waking hubby, getting him in the shower, packing my bag and driving myself via my parents to the hospital - someone was too drunk to drive from celebrations with a mate the night before!) and were quickly ushered into a delivery suite checked over and told get comfy it's on like donkey kong this time.  Well not quite, a drip was put up more drugs were administered to slow the rate of contractions to try to get another 24hrs so that two steroid shots could take effect!  At one point the drip was up as high as possible and still the contractions came.  The midwives sent hubby home for some rest as they were really hoping to get the 24hrs.

Next morning rolled around drip was taken down and we were letting nature take it's course.  I was exhausted 24hrs in a delivery suite with no tv, not allowed out of bed in case moving started things up, no wifi or iPads or iPhones or Facebook to keep me entertained in 2001 and all the while I was hooked up to a drip that was supposed to be slowing the rate of the contractions.  The main problem was that the drip was causing my heart to race so there was a fine line between too much and not enough and I was still having fairly regular contractions.  I was determined not to have an epidural because I was petrified at the thought of the needle!  Slowly and by slowly I mean super slowly things started to happen.  Because he was my first baby and I had had some surgery on some bits no-one was really sure what to expect and he was only 31wks so I was also told to be prepared he might need to go to a NICU at another hospital.  So calls were made to find beds in case this was needed.  Eventually it was all systems go and when it happened things started to happen incredibly quickly!  Because he was prem we had a myriad of people in the delivery suite with us.  We had Obstetrics Dr and Registrar, Paediatrics Dr and Registrar and 3 midwives plus one from the Special Care Nursery plus hubby and my mum (who wasn't meant to be there but was it was just timing!)

At 3.30pm on 26/11/01 we were incredibly blessed with our amazing baby boy (whom we didn't know was a boy until he was born) he was born crying he had great apgar scores and hubby got to cut the cord before he was wrapped up to keep warm and all three of us there got to have a hold, fleeting but a hold!

This is our gorgeous boy on the day he was born so so perfect! 

This is him about Day 4 under lights for jaundice but otherwise doing really well. 

In the end he was incredible.  He really only had to stay in hospital until he could regulate his body temperature, take all suck feeds and the jaundice was sorted.  In all this was only 19 short days.  Nothing short of amazing really.  Home before Christmas.  

I think actually he knew something we didn't this is one of a handful of photos I have with my only living grandparent my Pop with Zac.  This was the day he came home at my Pop's 85th Birthday celebration.  Pop was only with us for 2 more months after this he passed away on the day we had Zac Baptised.  He may never have seen Zac if he hadn't come early or at least not been aware.  I treasure these photos.  

This is our gorgeous boy today, fit, healthy, strong and 14 in 9 days time!  

We couldn't be happier!

It took me a long time to get my head around the fact that if we had anymore babies that there was every likelihood they would be premature as well.  I also had a nice healthy dose of Post Natal Depression (it is also Peri & Post Natal Depression Awareness week this week!).  But once I got there we very amazingly and miraculously fell pregnant with twins.  I cried from the moment I was told for close on three weeks!  

The pregnancy with the girls was even more complicated and had a whole raft of twin complication issues!  I was not in and out of hospital as much with the girls but did spend 5 weeks at RWH n Randwick which was just awful as my family was in Wollongong.  At 32wks I was discharged from Randwick told to go home stay on strict bedrest and wait.  I was so completely over being pregnant I wanted my life back and my babies out.  I was tired from all the crappy complications and the size of a whale.  

At 34wks on the dot I woke up and just knew it was like a felt them drop.  I rang my Dr on his mobile he was in theatre doing a c-sect and he said get yourself up to hospital.  We rang daycare to get Zac in for the day explaining the situation and while hubby dropped him there I had a shower and got ready to go because I knew this was it.  I rang the hospital to let them know I was on the way.  Hubby dropped me off and then went to park the car.  Not long after we arrived we heard my Dr in fact the midwives hadn't even had a chance to check me over or decide if my Dr actually needed to be there.  But I knew in myself they were coming that day.  My Dr came in said hi and did the only internal I had all pregnancy for so many reasons.  Anyway, my Dr was a really chatty man normally and he went silent I looked at him and knew from his face.  He told me not to move until they came to get me for theatre it was on.  Then there was a rush because if contractions started there was a very real concern that I or the babies might bleed to death because of the location of my placenta and it's vessels - I had a condition called vasa previa among so many others but this one was a real issue.  

The anaesthetist was called and the Neonatal Unit notified that twins were being born that day.  I had very early on arranged with my Dr that if I had to have a c-sect I was having a general and he was fine with this.  But the anaesthetist still tried to talk me into a epidural.  It was hard work getting the canula in because my veins were hiding so there was blood everywhere but eventually I was wheeled in.  I gave hubby a kiss goodbye and went in by myself.  He called my parents and his parents while he waited for me due to the general he couldn't come into the theatre but he had a super important job and that was to name our babies when they came out.  At 1234pm and 1235pm on 05/05/05 our beautiful girls Charlotte & Lillian were born.  Charli was the bigger of the two but needed a little bit more support than Lil.  He had polaroids of the girls sent down and my parents were waiting for me when I woke up.  I remember being perfectly content the girls were born they were both alive I was alive all was good.  I was wheeled up to the maternity floor and I was just really happy to stay in my bed.  My mum on the other hand was very keen for me to see the girls because we had a rule that no-one but hubby could see our girls before I did.  Mum & Dad were heading off to pick Zac up and bring him back because he didn't know what had happened that day and they were pretty keen to see the girls.  

This was as close as I could get to my precious Charlotte as she needed a little bit of Oxygen and needed to stay in there.  But I knew she was going to be fine and she was just amazing!  It would be a couple of days before I actually got to have a proper hold of Charlotte. 

Our beautiful Lillian I was able to have a tiny little proper hold with her.  I honestly couldn't believe it I had always wanted a little girl and here I was blessed with two, even better all three of us made it through! 

The girls a few hours after their birth.  Even though they were a few weeks older gestation wise than their brother they needed just that little bit more help in the beginning. 

Charli on leaving day a short 13 days after she made her early entry into the world we were taking her home. 

Lil was just as ready to get out of there.  In fact they slept through the whole process, the giant pram and the transfer into the car.  Then we headed off to pick up big brother from daycare what a surprise he was going to get! 

Charli big and strong and just awesome!  

Lil is just that tiny bit more daring!  Look mum no hands! 

Some reflections on being a mum to prems means that I never take any day at all for granted!  Sure I get cross with the kids and man oh man they can drive me mental.  But not a day goes by that I don't appreciate them for the miracles that they are and know that we are incredibly blessed many of my friends who also had prems have vastly different outcomes to our babies.  There is nothing in the world that can ever put into words that first night you go home from hospital and you have to leave your baby/ies behind.  Walking into your house, into the nursery and not having your baby is heartbreaking but then again I know that things could have been very different and are for many, many families at least we eventually got to take our babies home.  

Never underestimate the power of that connection you have with your child, today my kids have been in trouble and I had to be The Enforcer something I really don't like but nothing will ever stop me loving them. 

Lastly, thank you to all the amazing maternity and SCU Nursery staff at The Sutherland Hospital who made sure Zac arrived in our arms safely.  Dr David Morgans you are our hero.  Also, a huge thank you goes out to Dr David Greening, Dr Greg Kesby, all the maternity staff at the RWH Randwick and all the maternity and NNU staff at Wollongong hospital.  Without all of you we wouldn't have our gorgeous babies.  

Hug your babies tight. 

Cathy xoxo