Don't judge a book by its cover

This is what I think of all the judging!

Ok so I have got my ranty tanty pants on.  I am sick of it, completely and totally over it! The judgement that is.  I have written about judgey mcjudgey before on here and you know what I am still done with it!  Straight up I am going to say that I am as guilty as anyone of judging but I try very hard to not do it and to live and let live.  Honestly, unless someone else's actions are going to impact me or my family directly or put a child in harm's way (or an animal) then seriously I just don't know that it is my place to judge.

Looking at Facebook for me is a great way to quickly catch up to speed on what I have been doing and saying over the last few days.  Your activity log has a wealth of information that only you can see, if you have ever thought you did/said something or liked something and weren't sure check it out there, it is great.  I check it every day.  Yesterday all over the news feed was this letter from the Head of a school in the UK asking parents to re-think their dress when coming into the school for assemblies and meetings.  Now of course I had something to say about this.  

We are super lucky at our school we have a kiss and drop zone (though some parents forget it is drop then drive off but that is a different rant for another day! - and yes when you don't drop and drive off and hold up all the traffic I am going to judge!) This really means I could if I so chose to jump into the car drive the kids up to school and drive home and roll back into my bed all without getting dressed.  Of course there are a couple of issues with this currently the main one being I don't have a drivers licence so the rest of this applies in the before or in a theoretical sense.  

It would seem that Kerri Sackville (love her if you don't read her writing it is time to look her up!) shared the same article and there were some interesting replies.  They varied from the silly and funny, to the serious reasons for not being able to get dressed to the Judgey McJudgey.  

I have included a variety of them here for you to read: 

Unless the house was on fire in the middle of the night, I would never wear PJs outside. I cannot understand how these people justify wearing their night attire to school assembly. The notion of public wear and private wear should be pretty clear by the time you're about 3 years old.

Ummm what about swimming costumes? in particular, bikinis? I live in Qld. I have a pool. I jump out of the pool, grab a towel and literally get into the car to pick up the kid. Also, some days, I take him in my pyjamas and pick him up in my pyjamas and if anyone is going to complain that I am still in my pyjamas at 3pm my generic response is, "Sure, I'll start dressing to your standards when you find me a cure for Parkinson's."

I agree. I just couldn't bring myself to wear my PJs, or even tracksuit pants, in public. Two of my kids are also twins and even during the newborn stage I got dressed for school drop off!

I don't think I ever got out of the car in pjs. That's why it's called 'drop off' ... And flannies are very comfortable. It's not about a schedule. It about comfort, esp in winter. It's like people who wear Lycra. They're comfortable wearing that or jegggings etc. I couldn't care what other people wear. It's their business. Not mine.

That's just plain laziness to leave your home in Pjs. No respectful person would do that!
I have never left the house in pyjamas, & nor do I ever intend to. I'm one of those annoying people who think wearing shoes when you're out is a good thing too.

Thank god it's not a note about wearing underwear on school dropoffs #serialoffender

The thing for me is that I am coming from a very different position in the now to the before.  In the now life is pretty confusing for me first thing in the morning.  It takes me a while to get my head around what is going.  Frankly if I need to drive the kids up to school in my PJs I will.  I might pull a jumper over the top but honestly most of the time there isn't a whole lot of difference between my PJs and my day wear.  The biggest difference would probably be that my hair is brushed and so are my teeth and I have shoes on.  That said in the before I am pretty certain I wouldn't care what you wore to school and if I did notice and it was out of the ordinary for you I would maybe ask if there was something going on and could I help somehow, and if it was normal more power to you I wish I could care less about what other's think! 

Though some days that isn't a guarantee I have been known to jump into the car with slippers on thinking there were shoes in there only to discover on arrival there are no shoes, so slippers it was that day (and that was at work!)  Equally I once jumped in the car and did not notice that my thong fell off as I got in until I got to the shops.  As I had spent 10mins getting the twins and #1 in the car I was going into the shops for what I needed barefoot.  Judge me if you like but frankly some days it is just like that.  

Mrs Woog (another amazing writer for you to check out) shared this great op ed piece about the letter from the school and the responses were varied here is another sample: 

I agree with the letter the prinipal has sent out. I think it's really sloppy and lazy to wear your pj's to drop your child off at school...the principal even said some parents would turn up to assemblies and meetings with teachers in their pj's. How innapropriate. And embarrassing. Its also teaching your kids to not put in the effort when they go out and about and to not have pride in their appearance. I definitely dont look like princess mary when I drop my kids off and no one else should either- but c'mon. Pj's to assemblies and meetings with the teacher? Tacky tacky tacky.

There's a time and place for everything.We encourage our kids to wear clean uniforms and be proud of their school so why not the adults dropping them off?Get up 10 minutes earlier and throw on jeans n a top and change into pjs when you get home.

Bring back the 90s when we were allowed to wear petticoats as clothing without receiving warning letters. Bring back the 80s when a wider variety of body images were acceptable. Bring back less of whatever this is. If someone thinks there pjs are cool and awesome and they want to wear them, then go for it. If they want to wear a cape then go for it. What wear in their own time is none of my business.

Nah, I've picked kids up from work in pjs many times. And *may* have ventured to Coles on more than one occasion in my "good" pjs.As long as the kids are fed, clothed, LOVED and actually sent to school, it's nobody's business how anyone else dresses. More kindness & tolerance and less judgment would be a great thing. We don't always know what's going on in someone else's life.

That brings me to another brilliant article I read today by Anna Spargo-Ryan about why she could speak up about mental illness (in her case) but really it could easily be applied to any invisible illness.  Anna is very open about her long-term struggle with mental illness but she says she can do this because of the privilege of her position in society.  She is fortunate to be in a dual income household and has the support of loving family and friends.  Anna works for herself these days so she does not need to disclose her illness to any employer but when she did, Anna had an awesome response where they recognised that she was more than her illness and did everything to keep her and work with her.  

Over the last 12mths I have been on a road to discovery of my own mental illness issues.  Like Anna I have also been incredibly fortunate to be able to do this from the position of having an incredible support network around me and whilst we are not a dual income anymore we are fortunate that we can make what we get stretch to cover our outgoings.  And like Anna I hide my illness from everyone including myself.  You would not know looking at me how I am feeling inside and that some days it is everything I have in me just to hold it together to be here.  You can never, ever know what is going on inside (be it a mental illness or a neurological illness or anything) just by looking at someone - always remember "don't judge a book by its cover".  I am not nearly even close to being in a place where I will need to disclose this to a prospective employer or employer.  Too be honest it is so far away I am not worrying about it (which makes a huge change for me!) 

You are probably thinking "Cath you have really lost it this time - how can you link these stories?"  Easily really and it isn't a huge stretch.  Schools are judging parents and lots of other parents for not wearing "appropriate attire" into school for assemblies and meetings.  Honestly, in my experience when I was teaching sometimes just the very fact that the parent showed up for the meeting or assembly is a big deal.  There are plenty of parents who can't be there (but want to more than anything!) for any number of reasons, there are parents who turn up dressed to the nines just so that everyone notices them and there are parents in between.

Has anyone when making these huge judgements about "they should take more care in their appearance," "get off Facebook and get dressed," "set a better example for your kids," ever actually stopped to think what might be going on in the life of someone else.  Seriously, we can never really know what is happening in someone else's life.  We will only ever know how much someone wants us to.  But the person judging about people not caring about their appearance might not know that at home mum and dad are dealing with a terminally ill child and they honestly don't get five minutes to themselves to get dressed before racing everyone out of the door to get to school on time.  The alternative is that they do take that time but by then their terminally ill child needs more attention and before you know it they have been up since 4am and it's lunch time and the other kids haven't made it to school yet again.  So in that instance is it not better that mum or dad just comes as they are rather than not at all?  

In my instance that five extra minutes I spend on Facebook instead of worrying about how I look could mean that I can actually hold a conversation with you in the playground instead of looking great (or real in fact just mildly presentable.) Then I hide up the back hoping you won't notice me because I have forgotten your name and other things we have in common because I spent the time doing my hair and getting dressed instead of working out who people are.  

It never fails to amaze me how people love to say set a better example.  How about this, someone battling a silent or invisible illness (to you) is setting an amazing example for their children.  They are showing them that no matter what, regardless of how hard it is and how much you don't feel like keeping on going you keep pushing through.  No-one would dare walk up to a parent in the playground who might be quite obviously battling say cancer or in a wheelchair or something very visible and say oh why don't you put a bit more effort in to set a better example for the kids, they say things like "isn't it great you could make it!"  And they truly honestly mean it and don't even look at what they are wearing!  However, when it is something people can't see or don't understand the judgement comes in more.  Honestly, I know people have said to me you are looking great.  Sure on the outside but don't probe too deeply I am likely to crumble like kinetic sand or melt away quickly like the wicked witch right before your eyes.  

Next time you are tempted to judge someone on their outward appearance, stop, think and maybe just accept that it might not be what you would do but they are doing the very best they can.  We really need to stop judging each other and start empathising more honestly you will be happier for it.  Maybe I have given you something to think about.  

Here's a funny story about me back in the late '80s-early 90s I loved both my footy and going out dancing.  It was never appropriate for me to wear what I wore to the footy to the nightclub (I mean of course I could but seriously as if I would lol!) so I would take my red slip with me to change in the carpark at the footy and pop on my heels and go out for a night of dancing.  The thing is my ruby red slip was a nightie!  It was sold as lingerie but honestly it was too pretty for that!  More recently I had a wedding to go to when my twins were about 4mths old I felt frumpy as you can imagine so my mum took my shopping for a nice dress to wear.  Guess what we found a beautiful Lisa Ho slip dress that in all seriousness looks like lingerie!  Perhaps I was just a girl before her time.  

Hugs 

Cathy xoxo 

Video - Boys Don't Cry - The Cure 

School Reunions ...

to go or not to go? ... that is the question!

Recently I got an invite to attend my Year 10, 30 year School Reunion.  We had a small reunion five years ago and the girl who organised it put in a huge amount of work and I am not sure she got a huge amount of thanks for it!  So Kelly I would like to say thanks in case no-one did at the time.  I remember that organising this had more than a few dramas for Kelly but mostly it was a pretty good night.  

Anyway, a different Kelly has decided that she is going to try to rustle up a group for a reunion.  30 years since doing year 10 that sounds like a lifetime ago and it was.  So much has happened since then in all of our lives and I am sure that many of us are very different people to who we were in high school, though many really haven't changed all that much at all.  I went to an all girls high school and we had a huge school there was over 1000 girls at it's peak when I was there.  So as you can imagine our year group had every clique under the sun, the nerds, the toughies, the pretty girls, the dags, the sporty, the girls that all had boyfriends and so many more!  

I remember at the last reunion there was that group of friends who were still all incredibly tight.  They have remained in touch since high school in fact so much so that a few of them have married each other's brother's so they are now not only friends but sister in laws too.  It really isn't and hasn't been like that since leaving school for me.  I left school with very few close friends, most of my friends now are from very different circles.  I have left the area I grew up in, though many of the people from both of the schools I attended are still living there (clearly they were much more organised than me and bought homes much earlier than I did because at 30 when I was looking that area was well out of my price range!) 

I went to a number of high school's growing up.  My first one was in Fiji and was the International School with all the other expat kids I did my first year of high school there. Due to my age (I was only 11 turning 12) on return to Sydney I couldn't be placed into year 8 even though academically it would have been fine.  Hindsight probably says that I should have actually gone right back to year 6 to have that awkward resettlement year in primary school where kids are still that little bit more forgiving rather than try to do it in year 7.  Either that or perhaps stayed in Fiji a little bit longer.  

I don't really have the fondest memories of high school in Australia at either of the schools I went to but somehow I made it through - I wouldn't say it was unscathed though.  In years 7-10 I felt like I was the odd one out.  Everyone else had that really close group of friends and I always felt that I was trying to hard to be included in a group and whilst I had friends I would say that I floated between a few different groups.  Not necessarily by choice but more by where I was feeling more accepted on any given day.  Things didn't improve a whole lot when I changed schools for years 11-12 (again I am not sure that was a great idea changing from an all girls school to a co-ed school at 15 when I was just discovering boys!) 

It's hard to describe my high school years without feeling quite sad, I always felt incredibly left out and for the majority of year 7 I read books in the library at lunchtime so that I didn't look like a "Nigel No Mates" in the playground.  Towards the end of the year slowly I was accepted into a group and was "assimilated into the borg" that is teenage girls!  It didn't help that I was bored in class because I had done the work but it was evidently clear that if I was smart there was little to no chance ever of assimilation.  So this set up the never ending conflict between my parents and teachers on one side who knew I had far more ability than I was using and my desire to be accepted and assimilate which meant being a lot dumber because no-one liked the smart kid - all of this added to the fact I was only 11 and I really just didn't understand the social structure of how a girls high school worked. My previous experience of high school in Fiji was that everyone was friendly because everyone was new and everyone had left their friends behind from wherever they had come from so everyone was as equally lonely so wanted friends.  Plus I am talking 1981-83 so no internet and pretty much a 6week turnaround in letters to Australia!  Being an expat these days I think would be a very different experience.  

This however, was not the case at the Girls High School when I got back to Australia. There was a most definite pecking order and this was not determined by the smart girls (or even the pretty girls) but by the tough crowd.  Today my experience of high school would be described as bullying but back in the early 80's it really was very much a suck it up princess and take a cup of concrete scenario.  I would probably say that somewhere in-between is probably a better solution.  Kids can't be expected to be liked all the time by everyone but it is very, very lonely having no-one to turn to at school.  

So all of this brings me back to the talk of the 30 year reunion.  I was incredibly nervous attending the reunion 5 years ago and 5 years ago things actually weren't too bad in my life.  I mean I was no world beater, but I had completed my degree, I had 3 healthy kids, I was (still am to the same guy lol)  married and we had (still have) a nice home in the Illawarra.  It was nothing to get excited about, I hadn't done anything amazing like invent post-its* or anything like that but it was nothing at all to be ashamed of.  As I said I was very nervous about going that night so somehow I managed to arrange with one of the girls that I was friendly with at school but hadn't seen well pretty since school that I would pick her up and drive.  At least that way I wasn't walking in alone.  As I expected when walking in the room I felt just like I was back at school.  You could tell the girls that were still incredibly close in fact this was probably just a normal Saturday night for them which also meant that they really weren't interested in catching up with anyone else.  There were others who also kept in touch but not quite as regularly as the first group and then there were a few like me coming along to say hi to whoever might be there and hadn't really kept in touch with anyone since school.  The other big issue for me was that none of the girls that I had "hung" with at school came along.  This in part was because they are all still super close and had no interest in seeing anyone else.  So in an instant I was 40 years old being transported back to the year 7 playground 11years old with no-one to talk to.  In fact so much so it took three attempts before I could actually find a seat each time I went to sit down I was told that seat was being saved for x.  Nothing like being made to feel welcome. 

Between then and now I would say my life has turned pretty much upside down and to crap!  If I was concerned about not looking or appearing successful 5 years ago when at least on the outside I had it mostly together, oh boy how will I even pull off an appearance of having it together this time!  Particularly with the spectacular breakdown that has occurred over the last 12mths there are some things that are just a little bit hard to hide, like the walking stick or the fact my licence has been revoked on medical grounds, or the panic attacks that come from nowhere and can be debilitating to name a few. What do I say? Do I be honest fess up and say well the truth is that basically I have had depression and anxiety in some form or another since you were mean to me in high school.  Sure the high school stuff was a long, long time ago but it was the beginning.  It was where I taught myself coping mechanisms so that I would be accepted (possibly not liked but accepted was better than years in the library lonely!) 

It is hard enough writing a blog and knowing that when I put something out there I really don't know who will read it.  So there is an element of vulnerability already there, what if I walk into the room and find out people have actually read it?  How will that feel?  I mean it is one thing knowing that a few close friends read it, and sure I know some of the people who read my ramblings in real life but most I don't.  Also, even the ones that I might know who are reading my ramblings I don't see them every day so I am able to kid myself that it is ok.  

What if I go and they haven't read my blog (because even though I don't want them to it would be easier) and they ask how's things?  It is about 6mths away so in reality I could be significantly better by then but what if I'm not?  What do I say?  Oh I had a mental breakdown and I can't work anymore and I can't drive and basically I can't do very much at all!  Do people really want that honesty at a reunion?  Probably not.  

Then of course there is that part of me that says well most of these girls didn't like me at school and I really haven't kept in touch with many people from school, probably only a handful now thanks to FaceBook.  So will it be any different this time?  It clearly wasn't at the 25 year reunion so is it likely to be much different 5 years later?  

What if I go and have a big panic attack because you know I will already be feeling vulnerable walking in the door and that isn't likely to help in anyway at all and will sure bring attention my way. Though that won't be the type of attention I will want!  What if they see that I am just a big fraud and I am really just like a big lump of kinetic sand and I can hold it all together on the surface but squeeze too tight or push too hard and I will just fall apart.  That won't really be the look I will be going for!  Then of course there will be the ridiculous paranoia that will set in that they will all talk about me behind my back after the night.  Which in itself is even more ridiculous because honestly why would they!  They didn't care enough to be my friend or talk about me 30 years ago so why would they now!

FOMO - this is a huge one, I missed the 25 year get together for the school I attended for years 11-12 I had ummmed and ahhhed about attending right up to the very last minute and in the end completely chickened out.  Then I saw the photos of the people who went and how much fun they had and how much I had wished I had gone.  So will I have a big case of FOMO (fear of missing out) if I don't go?  

Lastly it is just fear!  Fear that because things aren't nearly as together as they were 5 years ago they will judge me.  Fear that they will ignore me like they did 5 years ago and 30 years ago at school.  Fear of everything really (including fear that some of them will read this!) 

I don't want pity from anyone or people to say of course we will talk to you etc.  A lot of this is just the random thoughts running through my head.  I would also argue though that these are quite likely the random thoughts that could be running through a lot of the other girls I went to school with (or even yours if you are invited to a reunion) and sometimes it helps to know you are not alone!  The other thing of course is that in the last five years Facebook has really exploded.  Many people were on Facebook but not really into it in 2011 (it had only really been around for four years then,) but now days anyone I want to keep in touch with from school I can through the beauty of Facebook.  Plus what do you actually talk about at the reunion if you know what they are up to because of Facebook.

There is a part of me that wants to go, there have been a number of girls from school who have followed my journey and have been incredibly supportive in the last 12mths so it would be nice to see them.  There is also the big scared cat part of me that says just stay at home put your Pj's on, hire your favourite movie, get a tub of ice cream and forget all about it.  Maybe I suggest we do a Facebook reunion and all stay at home in our Pj's, watching the same movie eating ice-cream and chatting online about "the good old days".   Ultimately I just won't know until much closer to the time just how strong I am doing mentally and physically.  In the meantime I will continue to work myself up into a little school reunion anxiety ball right up until the day.  

Did you go to any of your school reunions?  

In 1986 we somehow managed to convince our teachers to allow JGHS

to team up with JBHS and enter into the 2SM Rock Eisteddfod this was the song!

*  Romy & Michele's High School Reunion

hugsCathy xoxo 

The lies we tell ourselves ...

It seems from my journals the last couple of days haven't been great.  In fact today if I described how I am feeling it would be what I imagine free falling from a plane feels like, just falling and completely out of control.  This is not really a feeling that I like at all.

Apart from the distinct lack of control it actually feels like I almost climbed out of the hole that I have been in.  Well not nearly out and probably not even close to the top, maybe though there was just a little bit of sunlight peeking through all the grey and darkness and dirt and crap that had been covering me for so long.  It no longer feels like that.

Image source: Michael Benanav for The New York Times

It feels like I have lost my grip and I am in free fall without a chute and loosing site of the teensy bit of light that I had.  It feels as though as I fall I am disturbing the dirt and try to find something to grip onto and I am bringing that back down on top of myself, slowly suffocating me in the process.  It is covering me again and I can't open my chute to slow the fall.

Source Unknown

I am not sure what has caused me to loose my grip though I can see from my writing it has been a pretty sad news week so perhaps that has something to do with it.  It could be the post Christmas come down, we have a biggish family and that time between Christmas and New Year is typically busy for us, in addition of course to the normal craziness of the lead up.  I suspect that I was operating on adrenalin during that period of time and trying so hard to hold it together for everyone around me let's face it who wants to be around a sad sack at Christmas time.  This has to be playing a part.

From what I have read I have also had two extremely lucid and vivid dreams.  I know in "the before" dreams like this would leave me beyond exhausted because it really feels like I am awake and living the dreams.  Which also means that in the morning or when I wake out of the dream I then need to process through all the feels that might have come up.  I am also physically exhausted from having no restful sleep.  

Sometimes these dreams can be incredible I can do and achieve incredible things, all my dreams and hopes for the future, for my family, my friends it is like living in an alternate reality.  The last couple of nights however, the dreams have not been like that.

The first one was where there was a big group of us on a cruise and someone humiliated me terribly doing something that was completely out of character for them and everyone was sitting around laughing at me because they all knew ahead of time and it was like I was the last person to know.  This dream was so horrible I woke up crying and I spent the day believing all the horrible things that happened in the dream.  It would seem that I spent the day sending text messages to get reassurance that the events that happened were in fact just a dream and not real.  The messages are beyond ridiculous in all honesty that doesn't seem that it has stopped my brain believing them and perpetuating them over and over (I am still feeling the feels from that today!).

My second dream was not quite as bad though it was equally as bizarre and the primary theme of this one was that at every turn I was managing to let everyone down because I was trying to be everything to everyone but achieving nothing at all.  This one was actually more bizarre because there was only a couple of people I knew in real life in it the rest of the people were either imaginary or blogs I have read or even ridiculously famous people.  Yet again, because I was letting people down left, right and centre there were a lot of not so nice feels in this dream.  I have been very blah from it.  It has really left me in an incredible funk.  In addition to the free fall with no chute none of this is leaving me in a very great place.

Certainly not feeling like I want to go anywhere or see anyone.  So I was actually a little bit excited when hubby said he was taking the kids out for the morning which meant I could have some time alone.  I thought of all the things I could do with that time but instead because I am so exhausted I just did nothing.  I have a long list of things I really WANT to do and one thing I feel I MUST get done before next Thursday but absolutely no motivation to get it done.  Partly because my brain keeps telling me that regardless of what I do I will never be good enough, I will let people down over and over, I am completely useless and unlovable so why bother.  No-one would even notice if I wasn't here. 

Thing is I rationally know that these things that my brain is telling me are not the truth but I don't seem to be able to believe the good.  It is these lies that my brain keeps telling me that are stronger and far more overwhelming at the moment.  I think I know, at least I need to hold onto the fact that I have climbed out once before and this time I can recognise I am falling again so maybe, hopefully I won't be down there so long.

In the meantime send me a lifeline for me to hold onto.  And if you see me with a smile on my face please don't let that fool you into thinking I am ok, I might be, but there is a very good chance I am crumbling inside just like kinetic sand.  So if you see me smiling and I tell you that I am fine and you think maybe I am not don't ask again just give me a hug or squeeze my hand to let me know that you are there for me.  

Anyone experiencing personal difficulties can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au or contact Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au 

Brick - Ben Folds Five 

Hugs 
Cathy xoxo 

Approximately 300 new days ...

I was searching the tv guide this afternoon to see what is on tonight and what is worth watching.  I got to Ch7 and stopped looking 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore is on.  I used to love this movie.  I used to think how romantic that Henry loved Lucy so much that he would get her to fall in love with him over and over everyday.  I also used to think it was sad that she couldn't remember all the wonderful (and slightly crazy) things he did for her.  Then (spoiler alert) it is revealed that she keeps a pretty detailed journal.  Of course, because it is a rom-com she falls in love with him, and they find a way to make it all work with her memory loss.

I say I used to love this movie because I am not so sure anymore.  For me it hasn't been 50 First Dates but much closer to around 300 new days give or take a week or so.  I started writing in a journal on Mar 9, 2015 but according to hospital information I went into hospital Feb 17, 2015 and as I remember none of this time at all I am not sure when everything started.  I am living this every day and if I don't read my journal or notes in my phone or diary or read over Facebook and messenger I honestly have no idea what is going on and I am stuck in about May 2012.  That is when I can tell you my last solid memory is.  I don't know why I am stuck then I know it was around Mother's Day which is just after mine and my twins birthday's I know what that memory is and I can almost describe it down to the clothes we were wearing that day and the food we ate.  Of course that doesn't help me now, today in January 2016!

The image where Lucy is showing Henry her journal 

So much has happened between then and now.  Some things really wonderful like as a family (my parents, my brother, sister in law and three nephews and my family of five) headed off to Disneyland in Anaheim.  I honestly have no memory at all of this trip.  I have lots of photos which is great but to me it is someone else's story except somehow all the people in the photos are my people.  We got two new dogs, wiped from my memory.  I need to be thankful it is only dogs that we got, and that we didn't have another child like Drew does in the movie!  My hubby has changed jobs last time I remember he was working shift work for a completely different company not the case anymore, he has also grown a beard which looks great except that I get a shock every morning when I see it!  My kids are significantly older (clearly!) I look different, I mean I know we all have days where we look in the mirror and can't quite reconcile that the person looking back at us is really you, we all think we are younger, less wrinkles, less grey etc.  Try looking in the mirror and having completely different hair sometime in the last 4 years I have cut it all off, and it would seem I am in the process of growing it back well today at least.

What I can tell you now living with this short-term memory loss and no apparent memory creation (though it is thought that I am somewhere making memories they just aren't in a place I can access them at the moment according to my journals) is not nearly as fun as it appears to be in 50 First Dates.  It is hard reading over journals from nearly a year ago and having no real connection to what I have written so I have to guess from what I have put down what I mean and what is really going on.  Try it for just one week, try to write down all the things you think are important and then the next day in reality you could hand your journal to someone else altogether to read and get them to work out what is going on and how you are feeling.  It is really hard work!

Today I read back over a lot of my journals some of it wasn't important at all but some of it was incredibly important and very sad really to read.  It got me thinking about has anything changed?  I found a blog I wrote back in July last year and here is some of it because really I think there are parts of it that are exactly the same as I feel today.  

The truth is for me I don't really feel like a whole lot has changed.  But I am very reliably informed that things are getting better at least physically.  I think that the physical progress is much easier for others to see change in.  For me I don't remember what I was like yesterday so it is hard to know what the progress is.  I can tell you that today, I am walking around with the aid of a walking stick, I felt a bit wobbly at times but I got from a to b which I guess is the most important thing. - I am still using the walking stick I still feel a little woozy but I also have a very sore big toe!  Apparently I managed to get a hairline fracture in my big toe!  Seriously only me! My arm I understand has also been a problem today it really just felt weak and it just takes more to think about using it.  I had tingling in different parts on my arm and face as well.  - My arm seems to be cooperating significantly more than it must have been in July because I am knitting again.  It still feels a bit heavy but it is working.  

Emotionally I am not sure that a whole lot has changed.  I read that I am being treated for PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, and a few other things.  For me this really just means that most days I feel sad, empty, a total ache in my heart (this is hard to describe really), anxious, overwhelmed and confused.  In addition to that I am exhausted from feeling all of those feelings all the time.  Plus I spend a lot of time (well I have today) trying to work out what is going on.  I guess if you think of all those mental health things and the brain as a computer hdd, my hdd needs a reboot.  So for now my brain is operating in safe mode, while the repairmen (my therapist and I) take each file out process it dertermine with this is something that needs to be kept or moved to the trash and then re-format the hdd.  I think this is going to be an incredibly long process but best we take the time and do it right than do it quickly and have to redo it in a few years. 

I think the most common thing everyone wants to know is if my memory has improved, I don't think so.  I woke up this morning completely confused, my head feels empty, I didn't recognise our dogs, my husband has to orientate me to what year it is and how old the kids are and what is going on in a really quick space of time.  Lots of changes have happened around the house and in our lives that I simply can't recall.  So I would say no this hasn't improved or changed.  I get through each day by reading facebook a lot I know this seems crazy but it does give me clues on things that have been going on.  I think that my memory loss is the hardest part for me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't cope very well when I am not in control and not remembering yesterday and not knowing what is coming without reading a journal or a daily diary is probably as far from in control I could possibly be. - All of this is still pretty much true for me.  I probably appear ok, or pretty much normal, from what I read I think this is partly because I am getting better at covering or making sure I read up as much as I can before I have to interact with others.  I know there are comments on how much time I am spending on Facebook but honestly it is fantastic to be able to bring me up to date in a really quick period of time!  If you ever need to remember something check your activity log! 

I think we made it through Christmas and New Year ok.  From the photos I have seen from this time it looks like I had a nice time surrounded by our families and it looks like NYE was a great night surrounded by family.  My writing tells me that while I was exhausted we managed to make it through pretty much ok.

Watching 50 First Dates it is very apparent to me how much my family loves me and especially my hubby.  Every morning it seems that he brings me up to speed with the most major things and then leaves me to read if I want to.  It is truly exactly like every night my slate is wiped clean and I start all over again.  It is really hard for me each day, but I can only imagine how exhausting and frustrating it is for my hubby and kids having to remind me every day what is going on.

I am off now to probably find something else to watch because even though it has been on while I have been writing this up it is really kind of depressing for me because it isn't nearly as much fun for me or the family in real life.  One thing I do know for sure is that my hubby must love me to keep doing this every day!  

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

hugs

Cathy xoxo

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ...

Here we are the week of Christmas.  Australia is typically throwing at us some really unusual weather there are bushfires, storms, droughts, pouring rain in Wollongong and the potential for Tropical Cyclones up North later in the week you take your pick.  Though this is almost typical weather for the Australian summer these days.

As is usual for us at this time of year the kids are on holidays.  My eldest has come home from a week away with his grandparents sounds like it was great fun for him.  Golf, fishing, dinner out, birthday celebrations for my Uncle it was a hard week away.  Oh well back home now being put to good use.  

The girls are on their first full week of holidays.  It would seem that in reality they are still catching up on that end of year exhaustion that comes with school, end of year school concerts, dancing concerts and just being busy girls who never seem to be able to keep their room tidy.  Though a quick scan of my friend's on Facebook tells me that I am not alone in the battleground that is our children's bedrooms.  I think I will take the approach of simply closing the door and if they can't find it tough.  

I am truly not sure if the dogs are enjoying all these people home or not! 

We are in that last week, that final throw before Christmas is over and gone for another year.  It seems crazy when you think about it we have this huge incredible build up it lasts a day or two depending on the family celebrations and then it is over for another year.  I think most of the presents are bought with a good portion wrapped and under the tree, with the last few needing to be finalised this week.  

The wall of Santa photos plus some of my nephews

For me Christmas also means baking, making sweet treats, and all sorts of little things like that.  This year I have not made nearly as much as I would in previous years but that is ok. I am sure that people love me for more than just my sweet treats.  In saying that I have made a few varieties of fudge and some amazing passionfruit melting moments this afternoon because well I needed a pick me up! 

It's an old family recipe and they are so good! 

I am still trying to finish off a few handmade gifts.  Hopefully I will get it all done.  

This year for the first time in the longest time we are having a lovely little Christmas at home with just the 5 of us.  My plan for lunch is a Turkey loaf full of yummy goodness including bacon and some cold ham served up with veggies.  I can pre-make the turkey loaf on Christmas Eve so I will only need to cook the veggies on Christmas day.  I will try to remember to take photos and share the recipe if it is any good! Christmas with my family will be down the coast and with hubby's family is in a restaurant this year for something different (it will certainly save on cleaning up!) 

We have had our yearly Santa photo and this year was the first time since 2001 that hubby and I jumped in the photo too.  We figured it has been a while since we have had a family photo and this would make a cheap one lol.  It is likely to be another 14 years until we jump in again! 

We all love Santa who doesn't! 

Christmas time it seems is causing my anxiety to go through the roof.  Hubby told me today that I need to stop stressing about Christmas and let it all just happen.  I am certain he is right though it really is fair easier said than done.

He tells me to stop stressing yet he is the one with bottle of Bourbon stashed amongst my wool!

Anyway, I am off to eat my passionfruit melting moment and drink my Chai Latte.  I am sure we will all get through the next few days and see the enjoyment on the faces of the kids as they open up all their presents.  

Passionfruit melting moment

Chai Latte

Til next time 

Hugs Cathy xoxo 

Looking after yourself ...

image source:  no anxiety.com

This is an article I wrote many years ago now, possibly eight or so.  I was reading over it this morning when looking for something else.  It struck me as ironic that I wrote something all about looking after yourself and it is the very thing I neglected to do.  I ended up having a monumental breakdown of my own.  It would seem that I am probably not the person to give any advice on looking after yourself.  

Slowly, very, very slowly I am trying to dig my way out of the hole that I have found myself in.  I still find myself in.  I still find myself in the darkness most days but there are little glimmers of light and hope that sneak through every now and then.  Perhaps this time instead of just writing or reading I should try acting on some of my own advice. 

When I wrote this article originally I asked Shiona Long a life coach for her five top tips for women on how to look after themselves.  Enjoy. 

Guilt, guilt and more guilt is the primary feeling of most mothers today.  We feel guilty for not contributing to the family budget financially; we feel guilty for yelling at the kids; we feel guilty for not spending enough time with the children; guilty that our children aren't reading by the age of 3 but others' are; guilty for spending too little time with our partners; guilty if we take time for ourselves; we feel guilty for feeling guilty because that is self indulgent.  Ugh I don't know about you but I find all the guilt exhausting!

I understand that my home functions better when I am at my best but it is can be hard to find my best when I am bogged down in the daily grind of laundry, nappies, cooking endless taxi rides to and from school or the multitude of extra-curricula activities that our children should do.  How can I find my best?  Is it even possible to remember the person that I used to be instead of the crazy woman that runs around trying to please the world and in the process forgetting herself?

1.  You cannot give away what you do not have for yourself ... this includes health, love and time.  

Think of the airline safety talk here we are always told to put the oxygen mask and life jacket on ourselves first before we help the children.  It is impossible to help others if you have no air left to breathe.  You need to look after yourself.  If you don't you are no good to anyone.  This is sometimes difficult to do, often women can be selfless by nature and we give more and more of ourselves until there is nothing left to give and then some.  The time is now to stop giving, save something for you!  For your family to be at their best, you need to be at your best.

2.  Know what makes you happy and do something for you everyday.  It is so much easier to cope with the little stressors of life when you have taken that 15 minute break to sit in the quiet, read a book, crochet, craft, meditate, watch tv, have a cuppa.  It doesn't really matter what it is but take the time for you.  

This one is a little harder.  My husband often says to me - take time out for you, go and do something that makes you happy.  The problem isn't that I can't take the time because I am married to a great guy who understands that I need that time out.  The problem is me.  I don't take the time, I don't make the time to take the time and most importantly I don't know what makes me happy.  I bounce from one thing to another with such voracity that I sometimes feel like I am a pinball machine.  There is a huge sense of responsibility that comes with "go, take time out for you, do something that makes YOU happy."  I feel like I need to make it count.

For this to really work, you need to remove all the apologies from your language and set boundaries with family members.  It is amazing how quickly kids (even little ones) adapt to:  mum is taking 15 minutes to read, think, sew or knit whatever it might be.  Remember, plan your time wisely to take your 15 minute break.  It goes without saying that downing tools in the middle of witching hour is not going to be very relaxing for anyone.  However, there is no reason why your break needs to wait until the kids are in bed, children can learn to understand that this is mummy's time, come back in 15 minutes unless there is blood.

3.  Pay attention to the little health niggles, accidents - your body and spirit is giving you a message to rest or take time out.  Avoid the tendency to take a panadol and push through it.  The message is there for a reason, so listen and you may just stop it escalating to something bigger.  

This is a big one.  How many of us go off to the doctor's when we feel the little niggle, have a temperature or are generally unwell, not many!  We do however, rush the kids or our partner's off to the doctor's when they are sick.  Why is everyone else more important than you?  Most of the time it is just rest that will help us to get better, but remember, even though we don't get sick days as a mum your partner can take the day off for you to rest up from being sick.  One day is much better than weeks down the track.

I know from experience this year that this is really important.  I didn't listen, my brain had been trying to give me the message for a long time possibly up to 4 years before I finally fell apart.  When I did it was spectacular by all accounts, I don't remember.  After five weeks in hospital learning to use my left arm and leg again and trying to engage my brain I came home.  My notes tell me that when I got home I needed help for everything.  There is nothing more humbling than your mother or husband needing to help you shower and dry yourself and then help you dress yourself because you can't do it, to make you sit up and listen!  Don't let things get to the place I did.  Reach out to a friend, your GP, your partner, someone anyone.  You will more often than not find out that they are walking a similar journey, feeling just as alone as you are.  They may have even noticed changes in you but didn't want to intrude and were waiting for you to reach out.  

I am sure that you like me will be shocked and discover you have a lot more support than you thought and a much larger tribe going through similar experiences.  Our mental health needs to be a priority and often times instead of getting help we turn to alcohol, drugs, shopping, volunteering, exercise, affairs or a myriad of other things to dull the pain and give ourselves a "quick fix" to feel better and hide from the reality of life just a little bit longer.  Please reach out.  

4.  Give up the guilt and know that it is OK to say no!  This includes to your children, your partner, friends and family.  Be mindful of doing something because you believe you 'have to' or 'should do it' or 'must do it', say yes because you want to.  It is OK to say to someone "can I just think about where that fits with my plans and get back to you later this evening?"  This gives you the opportunity to really consider whether it is something that you want to do and can do without impacting on other areas of your day.  This may take others a little longer to get used to.  However, they will soon learn that when you say yes - it is a genuine Yes.  

This is a good message for many of us to learn.  We over commit and then feel guilty about the time it is taking us away from our families or other commitments that we have already made.  Just because you have been asked to do something does not mean you are the only person who can do it.  Sometimes, your 'no' will mean that someone else, better placed with time, can step into the void.  And sometimes it may mean that whatever it is you say no to does not happen and that it ok too.

You cannot take that guilt onboard.  So what if the newsletter doesn't get out on time, it will not be the end of the world if there is not some super dooper creative craft at playgroup - most kids I know are happy with a few crayons and paper anyway.  Remember, there is always someone else that can help out and if there isn't and you can't do it, the world will not end.  We can often be our own worst enemies by doing everything all the time we are asked some people find this intimidating and fear they can't live up to the expectation set by you doing the job.  So if every now and then we say no it leaves room for others to step up.

5.  Ask for support and ask in a direct way.  Women are very good at implying what they need, especially with their partners and then wondering why their partner didn't get it!  Ask for what you want ... be specific:  "please take the kids to the park today so that I can have an hour to ..."  It is perfectly acceptable to let your kids have a play at a friend's or some extra time at day care if that is the support you need.  

Our partners are not mind readers, of course it would be great if they were but don't assume that they know what you want and that just because you have been dropping hints all morning they will understand what you want.  My husband is pretty fantastic but he works much better with direct requests.

It is also important and OK to build yourself a network of friends that you can ring on those days when you really need a break.  Mainly because if you reach out to them, they will feel much better about reaching out to you!

As women we are constantly told that we have never had it better!  We have more choice about what we want to do with our lives now than ever before.  Our mothers and their mothers before us had to fight every step of the way.  My aunt only in 1970 was one of the first women to be allowed to stay working in her public service job as a married woman of childbearing age.  We have come a long way since those days.

However, in many respects life is so much harder for us now.  With education comes expectation that we will have a career, as women there is an expectation we will have a family (before we get too "old"), as women we are also still shouldering the bulk of the child rearing, housework and many other tasks associated with running a household.  We do this I believe because if we are not financially contribution we feel we "should" do all these other things.  "Should" is a word we need to banish from our vocabulary.

As women we can be each other's greatest support but also our own worst enemy as well.  It is important to remember that we can have it all, just not all at the same time.  We don't need to be trying to hold down a job, attend meetings in addition to raising the family for things to turn pear-shaped with children.  Life itself can be enough to throw you more than one curve ball on any given day.

If you have taken the time to prepare yourself physically and mentally to be in the best shape possible, then maybe you can catch it, if it goes through to the keeper just reach out to someone who can be there for you.  The juggle can be rewarding, just remember to take time out for yourself, to stop and smell the roses and enjoy life once in a while.

Hugs Cathy xoxo 

An insight into my scrambled brain ...

Kerri Sackville (an amazing writer check her out if you don't already read her stuff!) shared this excerpt from her book The Little Book of Anxiety 

on her Facebook page today.  Seriously I had to read the words and look at the picture nearly a dozen times to take it in.  I have spent a lot of today reading over journals and catching myself up to here.  There is a huge amount to take in.  I read this picture over and over mainly because it is one of the many, many things my psychologist and I were working on at our last session.  I started writing a reply to Kerri on Facebook and quickly realised that it was far too long to put on there as a reply! 

It seems that I have decided in my head that I am a big, fat fraud and as a result of this revelation to myself that everyone around me is really just humouring me and at some point will all realise that I am this big, fat fraud and run a mile.  From what I have written down it would seem that I pretty much rattled off each one of Kerri's dot points above.  

Here are some of what my psychologist had to say to me in rebuttal: 

• Regardless of what i visualise it might or might no happen there is nothing I can do about it and in the process may make it happen ( in my case on Monday my particular fear/anxiety was around that I am a big, fat fraud and that eventually everyone who has ever turned to me for advice, that I may have given and they followed or any friend I have been a shoulder for or my husband might discover that I am actually really a shitty person and leave me so ultimately my biggest anxiety is around that I will be discovered for being a big fat impersonator or being an adult type person with real and valid thoughts.  Let's face it this can't possibly be true because I had to spend time in rehab learning how to use my arm and leg again because my brain was so scrambled that it had to physically stop my from using parts of my body so I would stop and understand that there was a problem with my brain!  So really who in their right mind would ever listen to a single word I have to say because I am so full of nothing that is of value or valid.  She was telling me that the more I worry the more likely I am to push people away because everyone who was here for me at rock bottom are still here so why would they leave now.  
• Worrying about worst case really, truly won't make me more prepared it will just mean that I have worried time away. 
• If worst case does happen I will still hurt and be devastated but I will pick myself up and move forward because I have before and I will again. 
• If I don't worry it might or might not happen but it hasn't happened yet and we don't know what tomorrow holds only what is now. 
• I will be devastated regardless and being prepared will not change this (as much as I want it to!) 
• I have absolutely no basis to think that things won't be the worst case because I have a crazy amount of worst case in my past.  So my brain is completely conditioned to believe that the worst will happen regardless.  But then I feel like a really selfish and crappy person because I live in Australia and I have systems and structures all around me if i fall.  I am not living in war torn Syria or Sudan just struggling to find water or food or a safe refuge for my children.  What right do I have to think that people I love dying or having anxiety or prem babies or you name it means that I have any reason to think that my life is so goddam special I shouldn't have some suffering.  
• And lastly if I don't worry I simply can't imagine that it feels like a nirvana somewhere with unicorns that fart rainbows with pots of gold at each end!

In addition I have a few more crazy ones of my own: 

• Fear of not being liked - because I don't like myself so once people (anyone) gets to know the real me they won't like me either. 
• Fear of being alone - because who would want to be around me! 
• Fear of rejection - so I won't try to make any new friends and boy putting things out there on a blog where people can actually read my crazy that is a huge challenge to the fear of rejection!
• Fear of success - seriously what will happen if I actually do get to a point where my mind is a bit more together and I can start to work on my dreams and they come together what then?! 
• Fear of change - let's face it I am not alone here this is a pretty common fear.  But I do know a few people that thrive on change but I am not one of them!  
• Fear of choice - like I said I am a special breed of crazy!  Who wouldn't want the luxury of time and choice and future and the opportunity to quiet the crazy and have the opportunity to wipe the slate clean to explore the choice of where to from here!  I am so lucky and blessed to have a huge loving network of family and friends and Australian healthcare system to be able to have this time to get "better' and "find me" in all of this.  Seriously, who gets this opportunity and is is scared of it! 
• Fear of myself - Yeap I am afraid of myself and who I might be at the end of all this.  What if I am actually just a really awful person?  What then?  For the record my psychologist doesn't believe this to be the case, she actually believes at the core I am the helpful, loving, supportive, giving, creative person that I have always been she just needs me to believe that too.  

Today, hasn't been a great day for me.  Not really sure why I have had a lot of tears and I have done a lot of reading.  But I also had a session with my old physio and I haven't seen her for probably 18mths so there was a lot to catch her up on plus I had some dry needling which often does make me feel a bit emotional (even though the needles where in my bum).  Plus someone whom I haven't seen since all this happened but was directly affected by some of my actions* over the last few years got in touch and wants to have a cuppa.  They are just concerned with me and that is it but I just don't think I am ready, I am not ready to stop beating myself up for being such a bad person so I don't understand how they (or anyone else like family) can.  But that is probably something for a another day.  So amongst all of this there have been tears, anxiety, racing heart, fear and so many other things.  

One thing I did write down at the psychologist was that I said more than once was that "I know this isn't rational" her very considered response was that emotions are not rational and they do not ever have to be they just are.  It would also seem that I did a whole lot of eye rolling in my session with her because regardless of what she thinks of me and regardless of her over thirty years of training and clinical experience with people like me, surely she can't actually think that I am ever going to believe anything except the bad about myself or life.  

Sorry for the big blergh today has not been a good day for me so it felt kind of nice when reading Kerri's page that I found out there were a few more out there just like me!  It feels like I have a tribe!  And a really cool tribe at that!

Big love and hugs to everyone 

Cathy xoxo

Thanks Kerri for the inspiration!

Click to purchase Kerri's book

* I should just add that I have apologised both in writing and in person throughout this year. To the best of my knowledge these apologies have been accepted and well received. I don't believe that catching up with them is anything other than just that catching up to see how I am doing. I have already resolved all the issues that were there from the past.