Don't judge a book by its cover

This is what I think of all the judging!

Ok so I have got my ranty tanty pants on.  I am sick of it, completely and totally over it! The judgement that is.  I have written about judgey mcjudgey before on here and you know what I am still done with it!  Straight up I am going to say that I am as guilty as anyone of judging but I try very hard to not do it and to live and let live.  Honestly, unless someone else's actions are going to impact me or my family directly or put a child in harm's way (or an animal) then seriously I just don't know that it is my place to judge.

Looking at Facebook for me is a great way to quickly catch up to speed on what I have been doing and saying over the last few days.  Your activity log has a wealth of information that only you can see, if you have ever thought you did/said something or liked something and weren't sure check it out there, it is great.  I check it every day.  Yesterday all over the news feed was this letter from the Head of a school in the UK asking parents to re-think their dress when coming into the school for assemblies and meetings.  Now of course I had something to say about this.  

We are super lucky at our school we have a kiss and drop zone (though some parents forget it is drop then drive off but that is a different rant for another day! - and yes when you don't drop and drive off and hold up all the traffic I am going to judge!) This really means I could if I so chose to jump into the car drive the kids up to school and drive home and roll back into my bed all without getting dressed.  Of course there are a couple of issues with this currently the main one being I don't have a drivers licence so the rest of this applies in the before or in a theoretical sense.  

It would seem that Kerri Sackville (love her if you don't read her writing it is time to look her up!) shared the same article and there were some interesting replies.  They varied from the silly and funny, to the serious reasons for not being able to get dressed to the Judgey McJudgey.  

I have included a variety of them here for you to read: 

Unless the house was on fire in the middle of the night, I would never wear PJs outside. I cannot understand how these people justify wearing their night attire to school assembly. The notion of public wear and private wear should be pretty clear by the time you're about 3 years old.

Ummm what about swimming costumes? in particular, bikinis? I live in Qld. I have a pool. I jump out of the pool, grab a towel and literally get into the car to pick up the kid. Also, some days, I take him in my pyjamas and pick him up in my pyjamas and if anyone is going to complain that I am still in my pyjamas at 3pm my generic response is, "Sure, I'll start dressing to your standards when you find me a cure for Parkinson's."

I agree. I just couldn't bring myself to wear my PJs, or even tracksuit pants, in public. Two of my kids are also twins and even during the newborn stage I got dressed for school drop off!

I don't think I ever got out of the car in pjs. That's why it's called 'drop off' ... And flannies are very comfortable. It's not about a schedule. It about comfort, esp in winter. It's like people who wear Lycra. They're comfortable wearing that or jegggings etc. I couldn't care what other people wear. It's their business. Not mine.

That's just plain laziness to leave your home in Pjs. No respectful person would do that!
I have never left the house in pyjamas, & nor do I ever intend to. I'm one of those annoying people who think wearing shoes when you're out is a good thing too.

Thank god it's not a note about wearing underwear on school dropoffs #serialoffender

The thing for me is that I am coming from a very different position in the now to the before.  In the now life is pretty confusing for me first thing in the morning.  It takes me a while to get my head around what is going.  Frankly if I need to drive the kids up to school in my PJs I will.  I might pull a jumper over the top but honestly most of the time there isn't a whole lot of difference between my PJs and my day wear.  The biggest difference would probably be that my hair is brushed and so are my teeth and I have shoes on.  That said in the before I am pretty certain I wouldn't care what you wore to school and if I did notice and it was out of the ordinary for you I would maybe ask if there was something going on and could I help somehow, and if it was normal more power to you I wish I could care less about what other's think! 

Though some days that isn't a guarantee I have been known to jump into the car with slippers on thinking there were shoes in there only to discover on arrival there are no shoes, so slippers it was that day (and that was at work!)  Equally I once jumped in the car and did not notice that my thong fell off as I got in until I got to the shops.  As I had spent 10mins getting the twins and #1 in the car I was going into the shops for what I needed barefoot.  Judge me if you like but frankly some days it is just like that.  

Mrs Woog (another amazing writer for you to check out) shared this great op ed piece about the letter from the school and the responses were varied here is another sample: 

I agree with the letter the prinipal has sent out. I think it's really sloppy and lazy to wear your pj's to drop your child off at school...the principal even said some parents would turn up to assemblies and meetings with teachers in their pj's. How innapropriate. And embarrassing. Its also teaching your kids to not put in the effort when they go out and about and to not have pride in their appearance. I definitely dont look like princess mary when I drop my kids off and no one else should either- but c'mon. Pj's to assemblies and meetings with the teacher? Tacky tacky tacky.

There's a time and place for everything.We encourage our kids to wear clean uniforms and be proud of their school so why not the adults dropping them off?Get up 10 minutes earlier and throw on jeans n a top and change into pjs when you get home.

Bring back the 90s when we were allowed to wear petticoats as clothing without receiving warning letters. Bring back the 80s when a wider variety of body images were acceptable. Bring back less of whatever this is. If someone thinks there pjs are cool and awesome and they want to wear them, then go for it. If they want to wear a cape then go for it. What wear in their own time is none of my business.

Nah, I've picked kids up from work in pjs many times. And *may* have ventured to Coles on more than one occasion in my "good" pjs.As long as the kids are fed, clothed, LOVED and actually sent to school, it's nobody's business how anyone else dresses. More kindness & tolerance and less judgment would be a great thing. We don't always know what's going on in someone else's life.

That brings me to another brilliant article I read today by Anna Spargo-Ryan about why she could speak up about mental illness (in her case) but really it could easily be applied to any invisible illness.  Anna is very open about her long-term struggle with mental illness but she says she can do this because of the privilege of her position in society.  She is fortunate to be in a dual income household and has the support of loving family and friends.  Anna works for herself these days so she does not need to disclose her illness to any employer but when she did, Anna had an awesome response where they recognised that she was more than her illness and did everything to keep her and work with her.  

Over the last 12mths I have been on a road to discovery of my own mental illness issues.  Like Anna I have also been incredibly fortunate to be able to do this from the position of having an incredible support network around me and whilst we are not a dual income anymore we are fortunate that we can make what we get stretch to cover our outgoings.  And like Anna I hide my illness from everyone including myself.  You would not know looking at me how I am feeling inside and that some days it is everything I have in me just to hold it together to be here.  You can never, ever know what is going on inside (be it a mental illness or a neurological illness or anything) just by looking at someone - always remember "don't judge a book by its cover".  I am not nearly even close to being in a place where I will need to disclose this to a prospective employer or employer.  Too be honest it is so far away I am not worrying about it (which makes a huge change for me!) 

You are probably thinking "Cath you have really lost it this time - how can you link these stories?"  Easily really and it isn't a huge stretch.  Schools are judging parents and lots of other parents for not wearing "appropriate attire" into school for assemblies and meetings.  Honestly, in my experience when I was teaching sometimes just the very fact that the parent showed up for the meeting or assembly is a big deal.  There are plenty of parents who can't be there (but want to more than anything!) for any number of reasons, there are parents who turn up dressed to the nines just so that everyone notices them and there are parents in between.

Has anyone when making these huge judgements about "they should take more care in their appearance," "get off Facebook and get dressed," "set a better example for your kids," ever actually stopped to think what might be going on in the life of someone else.  Seriously, we can never really know what is happening in someone else's life.  We will only ever know how much someone wants us to.  But the person judging about people not caring about their appearance might not know that at home mum and dad are dealing with a terminally ill child and they honestly don't get five minutes to themselves to get dressed before racing everyone out of the door to get to school on time.  The alternative is that they do take that time but by then their terminally ill child needs more attention and before you know it they have been up since 4am and it's lunch time and the other kids haven't made it to school yet again.  So in that instance is it not better that mum or dad just comes as they are rather than not at all?  

In my instance that five extra minutes I spend on Facebook instead of worrying about how I look could mean that I can actually hold a conversation with you in the playground instead of looking great (or real in fact just mildly presentable.) Then I hide up the back hoping you won't notice me because I have forgotten your name and other things we have in common because I spent the time doing my hair and getting dressed instead of working out who people are.  

It never fails to amaze me how people love to say set a better example.  How about this, someone battling a silent or invisible illness (to you) is setting an amazing example for their children.  They are showing them that no matter what, regardless of how hard it is and how much you don't feel like keeping on going you keep pushing through.  No-one would dare walk up to a parent in the playground who might be quite obviously battling say cancer or in a wheelchair or something very visible and say oh why don't you put a bit more effort in to set a better example for the kids, they say things like "isn't it great you could make it!"  And they truly honestly mean it and don't even look at what they are wearing!  However, when it is something people can't see or don't understand the judgement comes in more.  Honestly, I know people have said to me you are looking great.  Sure on the outside but don't probe too deeply I am likely to crumble like kinetic sand or melt away quickly like the wicked witch right before your eyes.  

Next time you are tempted to judge someone on their outward appearance, stop, think and maybe just accept that it might not be what you would do but they are doing the very best they can.  We really need to stop judging each other and start empathising more honestly you will be happier for it.  Maybe I have given you something to think about.  

Here's a funny story about me back in the late '80s-early 90s I loved both my footy and going out dancing.  It was never appropriate for me to wear what I wore to the footy to the nightclub (I mean of course I could but seriously as if I would lol!) so I would take my red slip with me to change in the carpark at the footy and pop on my heels and go out for a night of dancing.  The thing is my ruby red slip was a nightie!  It was sold as lingerie but honestly it was too pretty for that!  More recently I had a wedding to go to when my twins were about 4mths old I felt frumpy as you can imagine so my mum took my shopping for a nice dress to wear.  Guess what we found a beautiful Lisa Ho slip dress that in all seriousness looks like lingerie!  Perhaps I was just a girl before her time.  

Hugs 

Cathy xoxo 

Video - Boys Don't Cry - The Cure 

The lies we tell ourselves ...

It seems from my journals the last couple of days haven't been great.  In fact today if I described how I am feeling it would be what I imagine free falling from a plane feels like, just falling and completely out of control.  This is not really a feeling that I like at all.

Apart from the distinct lack of control it actually feels like I almost climbed out of the hole that I have been in.  Well not nearly out and probably not even close to the top, maybe though there was just a little bit of sunlight peeking through all the grey and darkness and dirt and crap that had been covering me for so long.  It no longer feels like that.

Image source: Michael Benanav for The New York Times

It feels like I have lost my grip and I am in free fall without a chute and loosing site of the teensy bit of light that I had.  It feels as though as I fall I am disturbing the dirt and try to find something to grip onto and I am bringing that back down on top of myself, slowly suffocating me in the process.  It is covering me again and I can't open my chute to slow the fall.

Source Unknown

I am not sure what has caused me to loose my grip though I can see from my writing it has been a pretty sad news week so perhaps that has something to do with it.  It could be the post Christmas come down, we have a biggish family and that time between Christmas and New Year is typically busy for us, in addition of course to the normal craziness of the lead up.  I suspect that I was operating on adrenalin during that period of time and trying so hard to hold it together for everyone around me let's face it who wants to be around a sad sack at Christmas time.  This has to be playing a part.

From what I have read I have also had two extremely lucid and vivid dreams.  I know in "the before" dreams like this would leave me beyond exhausted because it really feels like I am awake and living the dreams.  Which also means that in the morning or when I wake out of the dream I then need to process through all the feels that might have come up.  I am also physically exhausted from having no restful sleep.  

Sometimes these dreams can be incredible I can do and achieve incredible things, all my dreams and hopes for the future, for my family, my friends it is like living in an alternate reality.  The last couple of nights however, the dreams have not been like that.

The first one was where there was a big group of us on a cruise and someone humiliated me terribly doing something that was completely out of character for them and everyone was sitting around laughing at me because they all knew ahead of time and it was like I was the last person to know.  This dream was so horrible I woke up crying and I spent the day believing all the horrible things that happened in the dream.  It would seem that I spent the day sending text messages to get reassurance that the events that happened were in fact just a dream and not real.  The messages are beyond ridiculous in all honesty that doesn't seem that it has stopped my brain believing them and perpetuating them over and over (I am still feeling the feels from that today!).

My second dream was not quite as bad though it was equally as bizarre and the primary theme of this one was that at every turn I was managing to let everyone down because I was trying to be everything to everyone but achieving nothing at all.  This one was actually more bizarre because there was only a couple of people I knew in real life in it the rest of the people were either imaginary or blogs I have read or even ridiculously famous people.  Yet again, because I was letting people down left, right and centre there were a lot of not so nice feels in this dream.  I have been very blah from it.  It has really left me in an incredible funk.  In addition to the free fall with no chute none of this is leaving me in a very great place.

Certainly not feeling like I want to go anywhere or see anyone.  So I was actually a little bit excited when hubby said he was taking the kids out for the morning which meant I could have some time alone.  I thought of all the things I could do with that time but instead because I am so exhausted I just did nothing.  I have a long list of things I really WANT to do and one thing I feel I MUST get done before next Thursday but absolutely no motivation to get it done.  Partly because my brain keeps telling me that regardless of what I do I will never be good enough, I will let people down over and over, I am completely useless and unlovable so why bother.  No-one would even notice if I wasn't here. 

Thing is I rationally know that these things that my brain is telling me are not the truth but I don't seem to be able to believe the good.  It is these lies that my brain keeps telling me that are stronger and far more overwhelming at the moment.  I think I know, at least I need to hold onto the fact that I have climbed out once before and this time I can recognise I am falling again so maybe, hopefully I won't be down there so long.

In the meantime send me a lifeline for me to hold onto.  And if you see me with a smile on my face please don't let that fool you into thinking I am ok, I might be, but there is a very good chance I am crumbling inside just like kinetic sand.  So if you see me smiling and I tell you that I am fine and you think maybe I am not don't ask again just give me a hug or squeeze my hand to let me know that you are there for me.  

Anyone experiencing personal difficulties can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au or contact Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au 

Brick - Ben Folds Five 

Hugs 
Cathy xoxo 

Just sad really ...

Image Source:  Chub Magazine

This morning I read this very sad story on Kidspot it is really a brief editorial from the Adelaide Advertiser about the father who took his life and also the lives of his son's yesterday.  It briefly mentions a suicide note, but this is not printed, we are not given any details, or any insight at all into why.  Frankly, it is really none of our business.  It is a report about a very tragic family incident.  This is tragic for everyone involved.  

My heart goes out to all the family and friends who know this family and are in anyway touched by this tragedy.  

My thoughts on this are probably more about the comments on the article than the tragedy itself, which is absolutely without a doubt life changing and devastating.  Sure we can infer from what is written in the original news article all sorts of things.  We as readers can make judgments about lots of things based upon our own views.  None of this, however, is helpful at all to anyone.  There is often a sense of justified outrage by many and most of this outrage comes from people who do not know the family involved.  This outrage is always cloaked with "but if I don't get angry who will care for the children."  My guess from a distance is that the family involved is caring for and about the children.  They are through their grief, sadness and devastation I am certain second guessing every single conversation, movement, word, action over the last weeks, months and even years to try to understand how this tragedy could occur in their family and devastate their worlds. 

What I simply cannot understand and just can never reconcile as helpful or even warranted is the hateful and hurtful comments by the "keyboard warriors".  I am very sad in this day and age that because we have a keyboard and we have an opinion we believe we have a right to air it for the entire world to see.  Sometimes it is actually not appropriate and many of us (myself included) would do well to think, step back and simply not respond.  We simply are in no position at all to judge and we simply should not.  Unless this event or any other terribly sad events have an affect on your life we do not I believe have a right to be judge, jury and executioner.  None of that is helpful to anyone.

Here is a sample of some of the comments

"I hope he burns in hell. Imagine the children's fear and then the hysteria whilst they sat drowning.....coward. I'm sorry but the mental illness card ain't cutting it!"

“That poor mother. Those poor terrified babies. Doting dad???? What a joke! That disgusting piece of filth murdered his babies. RIP Hunter and Koda. Strength love and light to the mother, how utterly Devastating.”

Even many who are living with Mental Illness cannot understand.  I understand that, who can possibly understand but the judgment will never, ever help.

“I suffer from mental health illness and I would never ever consider taking the lives of my children even when I've been at my worse. That is just a sick excuse. He had a choice and he chose to rob his children of any future. Absolutely disgusting those justifying his actions”

One very brave commenter put this up in reply to some of the comments 

"Everyone on here saying the father is selfish for taking the children's lives, really need to stop throwing stones. 

Mental illness is not something to muck around with he was clearly not in the right frame of mind and maybe he thought taking the children with him would make it easier for him to comprehend what he was about to do as he was dying with his loved ones. No one knows what went on in his mind so no one can judge.

Is it sad that he took the children's lives? Yes it is absolutely devastating and gut wrenching and I cried watching this on the news. Does it make it okay to judge this man? Absolutely not 

You can mourn for this mothers loss and the children but do not throw stones. 

Maybe one day you will be in a situation like this and it will be posted on social media, and people will cast their opinion about you and it won't be very nice. How do you think the mother feels seeing everyone writing these things about her husband? Does this help her grief? Ever thought these comments may be her complete breaking point and push her over the edge? 

People really need to think before commenting on things, beginning to lose faith in all mankind." 

My goodness me of the currently over 100 replies to her comment most are very nasty towards her for voicing this view, there are some particularly nasty and unhelpful comments about Mental Health and the victims, all of these justified in their minds by the cry "what about the children?"  I am truly certain there are vast numbers of people right now thinking every second about the children.  But what about this man?  I am not defending his actions, but he is also a son, a brother, and by all accounts of the article a good bloke.  So instead of attacking him and his character how about we try as a society to understand why this happens.  We need more prevention and far less judgment.  The judgment is not helpful to anyone.  It is especially not helpful to a grieving family.  Quite possibly even though there is a greater awareness that there is support there, it is this rise of the constant judgment that is the barrier for people to reach out for it.  For fear of what might be said to them or about them.  

This is my reply to the above commenter 

"Goodness glasshouses and all that.  For so many people there is the thought that if you are having a mental health crisis you are thinking rationally and calm and while writing a suicide note and deliberately taking the lives of others appears to the outside world very calm, rational and calculated nothing really could be further from the truth. There is so much more to depression to feeling sad. 

I am not condoning any actions by anyone. None of us know the details of what has occurred, unless you know the intimate details of his life or relationship none of us are in a position to comment. My heart goes out to his wife, the mother of these boys, to his family, to their wider family and friends. Let's keep the judgment to ourselves. We do not know what has happened here at all apart from the tragic death of two small children and their father."

You know what makes this worse is that people have said they can say what they like because none of the family are likely to be reading the comments on a Kidspot article through their grief.  Guess what you couldn't be more wrong.  No-one knows what they will do when grieving, no-ne knows how they will react and not surprisingly a family member has read the comments that are only compounding her grief. 

"PLEASE BE MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU POST!!!! 

Family members SEE what you say....Damien Little is also my COUSIN.....I can't imagine what his immediate family would feel with what I've recently read!!! AGAIN be mindful for those who are in shock and grieving!!!"

In addition to this, another commenter reading the first comments has replied with this 

"Unfortunately 2 of my young cousins were murdered by a parent and I have a bit more understanding due to this.

Firstly the public is rarely made aware if mental health issues are involved.

In my families case even the jury was not made aware only the sentencing judge was made aware so they could sentence them to life in a mental health facility for criminals.

Well meaning comments condeming the parent can cause harm to the surviving family members if there was a underlying mental health issue the public is unaware of.

From personal experience I find these words are best when wanting to express something to the family "I am so sorry this has happened to you, please know even though I may not know you I do care about what you are going through and want to let you know people care about your family."

That is much preferred to reading people calling the parent of my cousins a monster when they were suffering extremely complex mental health issues and in the midst of a psychotic break that was so severe they thought they were somehow saving their children, they actually think their kids are alive and when told they are dead that people are lying to them as they saved them.

I hope you never have to understand this situation, I hope no one having a go at Nikki have to understand this."

Honestly I just wonder where our humanity has gone.  Perhaps I am just a bleeding heart; perhaps I am being naive that we even had empathy for others.  I think that many people think that because they are only writing a comment on a Facebook page or something like that, I think it is forgotten that words have power and we just never know who might read it and what those words might do.  Mostly, this all just makes me feel sad.  Sad that people feel they have no other option but to take their own life, sad for the children who have also had their lives ended far too soon, sad for the family left behind reeling from the tragedy and devastation, sad that no-one realised that he was in this place, sad that even with all the awareness of mental health people who have not lived it still believe that suicide is a rational thought process, sad for all the judgment (yes the irony is not lost on me I am judging the judging!) but most of all sad for those left behind to pick up the pieces.  Sending my heartfelt condolences to the family involved for all your losses.

I am reminded by the saying "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all" really this is something we all would do well try and live by this. 

Anyone experiencing personal difficulties can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au or contact Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au 

Be kind to each other 

Cathy xoxo 

Approximately 300 new days ...

I was searching the tv guide this afternoon to see what is on tonight and what is worth watching.  I got to Ch7 and stopped looking 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore is on.  I used to love this movie.  I used to think how romantic that Henry loved Lucy so much that he would get her to fall in love with him over and over everyday.  I also used to think it was sad that she couldn't remember all the wonderful (and slightly crazy) things he did for her.  Then (spoiler alert) it is revealed that she keeps a pretty detailed journal.  Of course, because it is a rom-com she falls in love with him, and they find a way to make it all work with her memory loss.

I say I used to love this movie because I am not so sure anymore.  For me it hasn't been 50 First Dates but much closer to around 300 new days give or take a week or so.  I started writing in a journal on Mar 9, 2015 but according to hospital information I went into hospital Feb 17, 2015 and as I remember none of this time at all I am not sure when everything started.  I am living this every day and if I don't read my journal or notes in my phone or diary or read over Facebook and messenger I honestly have no idea what is going on and I am stuck in about May 2012.  That is when I can tell you my last solid memory is.  I don't know why I am stuck then I know it was around Mother's Day which is just after mine and my twins birthday's I know what that memory is and I can almost describe it down to the clothes we were wearing that day and the food we ate.  Of course that doesn't help me now, today in January 2016!

The image where Lucy is showing Henry her journal 

So much has happened between then and now.  Some things really wonderful like as a family (my parents, my brother, sister in law and three nephews and my family of five) headed off to Disneyland in Anaheim.  I honestly have no memory at all of this trip.  I have lots of photos which is great but to me it is someone else's story except somehow all the people in the photos are my people.  We got two new dogs, wiped from my memory.  I need to be thankful it is only dogs that we got, and that we didn't have another child like Drew does in the movie!  My hubby has changed jobs last time I remember he was working shift work for a completely different company not the case anymore, he has also grown a beard which looks great except that I get a shock every morning when I see it!  My kids are significantly older (clearly!) I look different, I mean I know we all have days where we look in the mirror and can't quite reconcile that the person looking back at us is really you, we all think we are younger, less wrinkles, less grey etc.  Try looking in the mirror and having completely different hair sometime in the last 4 years I have cut it all off, and it would seem I am in the process of growing it back well today at least.

What I can tell you now living with this short-term memory loss and no apparent memory creation (though it is thought that I am somewhere making memories they just aren't in a place I can access them at the moment according to my journals) is not nearly as fun as it appears to be in 50 First Dates.  It is hard reading over journals from nearly a year ago and having no real connection to what I have written so I have to guess from what I have put down what I mean and what is really going on.  Try it for just one week, try to write down all the things you think are important and then the next day in reality you could hand your journal to someone else altogether to read and get them to work out what is going on and how you are feeling.  It is really hard work!

Today I read back over a lot of my journals some of it wasn't important at all but some of it was incredibly important and very sad really to read.  It got me thinking about has anything changed?  I found a blog I wrote back in July last year and here is some of it because really I think there are parts of it that are exactly the same as I feel today.  

The truth is for me I don't really feel like a whole lot has changed.  But I am very reliably informed that things are getting better at least physically.  I think that the physical progress is much easier for others to see change in.  For me I don't remember what I was like yesterday so it is hard to know what the progress is.  I can tell you that today, I am walking around with the aid of a walking stick, I felt a bit wobbly at times but I got from a to b which I guess is the most important thing. - I am still using the walking stick I still feel a little woozy but I also have a very sore big toe!  Apparently I managed to get a hairline fracture in my big toe!  Seriously only me! My arm I understand has also been a problem today it really just felt weak and it just takes more to think about using it.  I had tingling in different parts on my arm and face as well.  - My arm seems to be cooperating significantly more than it must have been in July because I am knitting again.  It still feels a bit heavy but it is working.  

Emotionally I am not sure that a whole lot has changed.  I read that I am being treated for PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, and a few other things.  For me this really just means that most days I feel sad, empty, a total ache in my heart (this is hard to describe really), anxious, overwhelmed and confused.  In addition to that I am exhausted from feeling all of those feelings all the time.  Plus I spend a lot of time (well I have today) trying to work out what is going on.  I guess if you think of all those mental health things and the brain as a computer hdd, my hdd needs a reboot.  So for now my brain is operating in safe mode, while the repairmen (my therapist and I) take each file out process it dertermine with this is something that needs to be kept or moved to the trash and then re-format the hdd.  I think this is going to be an incredibly long process but best we take the time and do it right than do it quickly and have to redo it in a few years. 

I think the most common thing everyone wants to know is if my memory has improved, I don't think so.  I woke up this morning completely confused, my head feels empty, I didn't recognise our dogs, my husband has to orientate me to what year it is and how old the kids are and what is going on in a really quick space of time.  Lots of changes have happened around the house and in our lives that I simply can't recall.  So I would say no this hasn't improved or changed.  I get through each day by reading facebook a lot I know this seems crazy but it does give me clues on things that have been going on.  I think that my memory loss is the hardest part for me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't cope very well when I am not in control and not remembering yesterday and not knowing what is coming without reading a journal or a daily diary is probably as far from in control I could possibly be. - All of this is still pretty much true for me.  I probably appear ok, or pretty much normal, from what I read I think this is partly because I am getting better at covering or making sure I read up as much as I can before I have to interact with others.  I know there are comments on how much time I am spending on Facebook but honestly it is fantastic to be able to bring me up to date in a really quick period of time!  If you ever need to remember something check your activity log! 

I think we made it through Christmas and New Year ok.  From the photos I have seen from this time it looks like I had a nice time surrounded by our families and it looks like NYE was a great night surrounded by family.  My writing tells me that while I was exhausted we managed to make it through pretty much ok.

Watching 50 First Dates it is very apparent to me how much my family loves me and especially my hubby.  Every morning it seems that he brings me up to speed with the most major things and then leaves me to read if I want to.  It is truly exactly like every night my slate is wiped clean and I start all over again.  It is really hard for me each day, but I can only imagine how exhausting and frustrating it is for my hubby and kids having to remind me every day what is going on.

I am off now to probably find something else to watch because even though it has been on while I have been writing this up it is really kind of depressing for me because it isn't nearly as much fun for me or the family in real life.  One thing I do know for sure is that my hubby must love me to keep doing this every day!  

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

hugs

Cathy xoxo

An insight into my scrambled brain ...

Kerri Sackville (an amazing writer check her out if you don't already read her stuff!) shared this excerpt from her book The Little Book of Anxiety 

on her Facebook page today.  Seriously I had to read the words and look at the picture nearly a dozen times to take it in.  I have spent a lot of today reading over journals and catching myself up to here.  There is a huge amount to take in.  I read this picture over and over mainly because it is one of the many, many things my psychologist and I were working on at our last session.  I started writing a reply to Kerri on Facebook and quickly realised that it was far too long to put on there as a reply! 

It seems that I have decided in my head that I am a big, fat fraud and as a result of this revelation to myself that everyone around me is really just humouring me and at some point will all realise that I am this big, fat fraud and run a mile.  From what I have written down it would seem that I pretty much rattled off each one of Kerri's dot points above.  

Here are some of what my psychologist had to say to me in rebuttal: 

• Regardless of what i visualise it might or might no happen there is nothing I can do about it and in the process may make it happen ( in my case on Monday my particular fear/anxiety was around that I am a big, fat fraud and that eventually everyone who has ever turned to me for advice, that I may have given and they followed or any friend I have been a shoulder for or my husband might discover that I am actually really a shitty person and leave me so ultimately my biggest anxiety is around that I will be discovered for being a big fat impersonator or being an adult type person with real and valid thoughts.  Let's face it this can't possibly be true because I had to spend time in rehab learning how to use my arm and leg again because my brain was so scrambled that it had to physically stop my from using parts of my body so I would stop and understand that there was a problem with my brain!  So really who in their right mind would ever listen to a single word I have to say because I am so full of nothing that is of value or valid.  She was telling me that the more I worry the more likely I am to push people away because everyone who was here for me at rock bottom are still here so why would they leave now.  
• Worrying about worst case really, truly won't make me more prepared it will just mean that I have worried time away. 
• If worst case does happen I will still hurt and be devastated but I will pick myself up and move forward because I have before and I will again. 
• If I don't worry it might or might not happen but it hasn't happened yet and we don't know what tomorrow holds only what is now. 
• I will be devastated regardless and being prepared will not change this (as much as I want it to!) 
• I have absolutely no basis to think that things won't be the worst case because I have a crazy amount of worst case in my past.  So my brain is completely conditioned to believe that the worst will happen regardless.  But then I feel like a really selfish and crappy person because I live in Australia and I have systems and structures all around me if i fall.  I am not living in war torn Syria or Sudan just struggling to find water or food or a safe refuge for my children.  What right do I have to think that people I love dying or having anxiety or prem babies or you name it means that I have any reason to think that my life is so goddam special I shouldn't have some suffering.  
• And lastly if I don't worry I simply can't imagine that it feels like a nirvana somewhere with unicorns that fart rainbows with pots of gold at each end!

In addition I have a few more crazy ones of my own: 

• Fear of not being liked - because I don't like myself so once people (anyone) gets to know the real me they won't like me either. 
• Fear of being alone - because who would want to be around me! 
• Fear of rejection - so I won't try to make any new friends and boy putting things out there on a blog where people can actually read my crazy that is a huge challenge to the fear of rejection!
• Fear of success - seriously what will happen if I actually do get to a point where my mind is a bit more together and I can start to work on my dreams and they come together what then?! 
• Fear of change - let's face it I am not alone here this is a pretty common fear.  But I do know a few people that thrive on change but I am not one of them!  
• Fear of choice - like I said I am a special breed of crazy!  Who wouldn't want the luxury of time and choice and future and the opportunity to quiet the crazy and have the opportunity to wipe the slate clean to explore the choice of where to from here!  I am so lucky and blessed to have a huge loving network of family and friends and Australian healthcare system to be able to have this time to get "better' and "find me" in all of this.  Seriously, who gets this opportunity and is is scared of it! 
• Fear of myself - Yeap I am afraid of myself and who I might be at the end of all this.  What if I am actually just a really awful person?  What then?  For the record my psychologist doesn't believe this to be the case, she actually believes at the core I am the helpful, loving, supportive, giving, creative person that I have always been she just needs me to believe that too.  

Today, hasn't been a great day for me.  Not really sure why I have had a lot of tears and I have done a lot of reading.  But I also had a session with my old physio and I haven't seen her for probably 18mths so there was a lot to catch her up on plus I had some dry needling which often does make me feel a bit emotional (even though the needles where in my bum).  Plus someone whom I haven't seen since all this happened but was directly affected by some of my actions* over the last few years got in touch and wants to have a cuppa.  They are just concerned with me and that is it but I just don't think I am ready, I am not ready to stop beating myself up for being such a bad person so I don't understand how they (or anyone else like family) can.  But that is probably something for a another day.  So amongst all of this there have been tears, anxiety, racing heart, fear and so many other things.  

One thing I did write down at the psychologist was that I said more than once was that "I know this isn't rational" her very considered response was that emotions are not rational and they do not ever have to be they just are.  It would also seem that I did a whole lot of eye rolling in my session with her because regardless of what she thinks of me and regardless of her over thirty years of training and clinical experience with people like me, surely she can't actually think that I am ever going to believe anything except the bad about myself or life.  

Sorry for the big blergh today has not been a good day for me so it felt kind of nice when reading Kerri's page that I found out there were a few more out there just like me!  It feels like I have a tribe!  And a really cool tribe at that!

Big love and hugs to everyone 

Cathy xoxo

Thanks Kerri for the inspiration!

Click to purchase Kerri's book

* I should just add that I have apologised both in writing and in person throughout this year. To the best of my knowledge these apologies have been accepted and well received. I don't believe that catching up with them is anything other than just that catching up to see how I am doing. I have already resolved all the issues that were there from the past.

Maybe yes, Maybe No ...

It's been a while since I have had anything to say.  In a way that is not exactly true, my head is so completely full with so many thoughts but at the same time feels like it is full of cotton wool.  It is actually really hard to find one thought and turn that into something that makes sense.

Life is still a challenge, I actually think this is really the new normal for now at least.  Physically I am doing much better.  In fact my physio thinks I am nice and strong now.  I am still quite dizzy most days and my balance is still not quite there but overall from where I was to where I am physically she is really happy.  I need to keep doing what I am doing and keep using the stick so that I don't fall over  if I have a dizzy spell.  I also read that I have had a huge blow to my independence and that is for now my Dr does not believe that I have the cognitive function to hold a Drivers Licence.  While at the moment this doesn't feel so bad, I know that the reality of that will set in one day when I am feeling a bit better and more aware and want to just drive.

The big uphill climb is my mental health.  Apparently I had my 29th session with my psychologist this week, I say apparently because I am still very much living by my journal writings.  If it is not written down or recorded in someway then for now it pretty much hasn't happened.

Life can be pretty difficult when you live through other people filling in your gaps and reading over journals.  It can be really hard to piece together what is happening and why.  What I do understand is that this form of amnesia is called dissociative amnesia and is predominantly related to anything that relates to me and my place in the world.  The amnesia, balance, dizziness and the headaches that I seem to have written about a few times are forms of protection.  My brain is still very much operating in safe mode and does all of these things to in a sense force me to stop and sit and feel.

Functional Neurological Symptom Disorder is the formal diagnosis (with a pretty decent side dish of depression, anxiety and PTSD.)  FNSD can be a really confusing term but essentially if we think of the brain as a computer this is a software issue not hardware.  Continuing with that analogy for me the amnesia is a lot like that all of my memories for a very, very long time have been sitting in my working RAM and nothing has been adequately processed and filed away.  This is the process that I need to do now and I am in the fortunate situation of having a lot of love and support around me to be able to do this while my brain is in safe mode.  Unfortunately, the process is going to be long and quite possibly emotionally painful for me.

I am not 100% sure why this has happened or why I didn't ever process events in my life properly.  What I can say is that perhaps there will be no reason for this, perhaps there will, perhaps I will never know.  For now though I need to try to learn to sit with fear, the fear and uncertainty of the future, the fear of processing the past, the fear of letting go and not controlling everything, you name it I most likely have some fear surrounding it.  This goes for the good things too.  I still get incredibly anxious about life, seeing people, going out and about, I suspect a lot of this is attached to the amnesia issues but for now we don't know.  What I know is that I am climbing out slowly of the hole I have found myself in but first I need to dig through all the dirt that has fallen in and cover over the hole and be open to what will come.  This for me is probably the hardest part of all the unknown and that the end of my story is not written.

I will leave you with this Chinese Proverb:



hugs 
Cathy xoxo

For more information about Functional Neurological Symptom Disorder