The lies we tell ourselves ...

It seems from my journals the last couple of days haven't been great.  In fact today if I described how I am feeling it would be what I imagine free falling from a plane feels like, just falling and completely out of control.  This is not really a feeling that I like at all.

Apart from the distinct lack of control it actually feels like I almost climbed out of the hole that I have been in.  Well not nearly out and probably not even close to the top, maybe though there was just a little bit of sunlight peeking through all the grey and darkness and dirt and crap that had been covering me for so long.  It no longer feels like that.

Image source: Michael Benanav for The New York Times

It feels like I have lost my grip and I am in free fall without a chute and loosing site of the teensy bit of light that I had.  It feels as though as I fall I am disturbing the dirt and try to find something to grip onto and I am bringing that back down on top of myself, slowly suffocating me in the process.  It is covering me again and I can't open my chute to slow the fall.

Source Unknown

I am not sure what has caused me to loose my grip though I can see from my writing it has been a pretty sad news week so perhaps that has something to do with it.  It could be the post Christmas come down, we have a biggish family and that time between Christmas and New Year is typically busy for us, in addition of course to the normal craziness of the lead up.  I suspect that I was operating on adrenalin during that period of time and trying so hard to hold it together for everyone around me let's face it who wants to be around a sad sack at Christmas time.  This has to be playing a part.

From what I have read I have also had two extremely lucid and vivid dreams.  I know in "the before" dreams like this would leave me beyond exhausted because it really feels like I am awake and living the dreams.  Which also means that in the morning or when I wake out of the dream I then need to process through all the feels that might have come up.  I am also physically exhausted from having no restful sleep.  

Sometimes these dreams can be incredible I can do and achieve incredible things, all my dreams and hopes for the future, for my family, my friends it is like living in an alternate reality.  The last couple of nights however, the dreams have not been like that.

The first one was where there was a big group of us on a cruise and someone humiliated me terribly doing something that was completely out of character for them and everyone was sitting around laughing at me because they all knew ahead of time and it was like I was the last person to know.  This dream was so horrible I woke up crying and I spent the day believing all the horrible things that happened in the dream.  It would seem that I spent the day sending text messages to get reassurance that the events that happened were in fact just a dream and not real.  The messages are beyond ridiculous in all honesty that doesn't seem that it has stopped my brain believing them and perpetuating them over and over (I am still feeling the feels from that today!).

My second dream was not quite as bad though it was equally as bizarre and the primary theme of this one was that at every turn I was managing to let everyone down because I was trying to be everything to everyone but achieving nothing at all.  This one was actually more bizarre because there was only a couple of people I knew in real life in it the rest of the people were either imaginary or blogs I have read or even ridiculously famous people.  Yet again, because I was letting people down left, right and centre there were a lot of not so nice feels in this dream.  I have been very blah from it.  It has really left me in an incredible funk.  In addition to the free fall with no chute none of this is leaving me in a very great place.

Certainly not feeling like I want to go anywhere or see anyone.  So I was actually a little bit excited when hubby said he was taking the kids out for the morning which meant I could have some time alone.  I thought of all the things I could do with that time but instead because I am so exhausted I just did nothing.  I have a long list of things I really WANT to do and one thing I feel I MUST get done before next Thursday but absolutely no motivation to get it done.  Partly because my brain keeps telling me that regardless of what I do I will never be good enough, I will let people down over and over, I am completely useless and unlovable so why bother.  No-one would even notice if I wasn't here. 

Thing is I rationally know that these things that my brain is telling me are not the truth but I don't seem to be able to believe the good.  It is these lies that my brain keeps telling me that are stronger and far more overwhelming at the moment.  I think I know, at least I need to hold onto the fact that I have climbed out once before and this time I can recognise I am falling again so maybe, hopefully I won't be down there so long.

In the meantime send me a lifeline for me to hold onto.  And if you see me with a smile on my face please don't let that fool you into thinking I am ok, I might be, but there is a very good chance I am crumbling inside just like kinetic sand.  So if you see me smiling and I tell you that I am fine and you think maybe I am not don't ask again just give me a hug or squeeze my hand to let me know that you are there for me.  

Anyone experiencing personal difficulties can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au or contact Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au 

Brick - Ben Folds Five 

Hugs 
Cathy xoxo 

Approximately 300 new days ...

I was searching the tv guide this afternoon to see what is on tonight and what is worth watching.  I got to Ch7 and stopped looking 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore is on.  I used to love this movie.  I used to think how romantic that Henry loved Lucy so much that he would get her to fall in love with him over and over everyday.  I also used to think it was sad that she couldn't remember all the wonderful (and slightly crazy) things he did for her.  Then (spoiler alert) it is revealed that she keeps a pretty detailed journal.  Of course, because it is a rom-com she falls in love with him, and they find a way to make it all work with her memory loss.

I say I used to love this movie because I am not so sure anymore.  For me it hasn't been 50 First Dates but much closer to around 300 new days give or take a week or so.  I started writing in a journal on Mar 9, 2015 but according to hospital information I went into hospital Feb 17, 2015 and as I remember none of this time at all I am not sure when everything started.  I am living this every day and if I don't read my journal or notes in my phone or diary or read over Facebook and messenger I honestly have no idea what is going on and I am stuck in about May 2012.  That is when I can tell you my last solid memory is.  I don't know why I am stuck then I know it was around Mother's Day which is just after mine and my twins birthday's I know what that memory is and I can almost describe it down to the clothes we were wearing that day and the food we ate.  Of course that doesn't help me now, today in January 2016!

The image where Lucy is showing Henry her journal 

So much has happened between then and now.  Some things really wonderful like as a family (my parents, my brother, sister in law and three nephews and my family of five) headed off to Disneyland in Anaheim.  I honestly have no memory at all of this trip.  I have lots of photos which is great but to me it is someone else's story except somehow all the people in the photos are my people.  We got two new dogs, wiped from my memory.  I need to be thankful it is only dogs that we got, and that we didn't have another child like Drew does in the movie!  My hubby has changed jobs last time I remember he was working shift work for a completely different company not the case anymore, he has also grown a beard which looks great except that I get a shock every morning when I see it!  My kids are significantly older (clearly!) I look different, I mean I know we all have days where we look in the mirror and can't quite reconcile that the person looking back at us is really you, we all think we are younger, less wrinkles, less grey etc.  Try looking in the mirror and having completely different hair sometime in the last 4 years I have cut it all off, and it would seem I am in the process of growing it back well today at least.

What I can tell you now living with this short-term memory loss and no apparent memory creation (though it is thought that I am somewhere making memories they just aren't in a place I can access them at the moment according to my journals) is not nearly as fun as it appears to be in 50 First Dates.  It is hard reading over journals from nearly a year ago and having no real connection to what I have written so I have to guess from what I have put down what I mean and what is really going on.  Try it for just one week, try to write down all the things you think are important and then the next day in reality you could hand your journal to someone else altogether to read and get them to work out what is going on and how you are feeling.  It is really hard work!

Today I read back over a lot of my journals some of it wasn't important at all but some of it was incredibly important and very sad really to read.  It got me thinking about has anything changed?  I found a blog I wrote back in July last year and here is some of it because really I think there are parts of it that are exactly the same as I feel today.  

The truth is for me I don't really feel like a whole lot has changed.  But I am very reliably informed that things are getting better at least physically.  I think that the physical progress is much easier for others to see change in.  For me I don't remember what I was like yesterday so it is hard to know what the progress is.  I can tell you that today, I am walking around with the aid of a walking stick, I felt a bit wobbly at times but I got from a to b which I guess is the most important thing. - I am still using the walking stick I still feel a little woozy but I also have a very sore big toe!  Apparently I managed to get a hairline fracture in my big toe!  Seriously only me! My arm I understand has also been a problem today it really just felt weak and it just takes more to think about using it.  I had tingling in different parts on my arm and face as well.  - My arm seems to be cooperating significantly more than it must have been in July because I am knitting again.  It still feels a bit heavy but it is working.  

Emotionally I am not sure that a whole lot has changed.  I read that I am being treated for PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, and a few other things.  For me this really just means that most days I feel sad, empty, a total ache in my heart (this is hard to describe really), anxious, overwhelmed and confused.  In addition to that I am exhausted from feeling all of those feelings all the time.  Plus I spend a lot of time (well I have today) trying to work out what is going on.  I guess if you think of all those mental health things and the brain as a computer hdd, my hdd needs a reboot.  So for now my brain is operating in safe mode, while the repairmen (my therapist and I) take each file out process it dertermine with this is something that needs to be kept or moved to the trash and then re-format the hdd.  I think this is going to be an incredibly long process but best we take the time and do it right than do it quickly and have to redo it in a few years. 

I think the most common thing everyone wants to know is if my memory has improved, I don't think so.  I woke up this morning completely confused, my head feels empty, I didn't recognise our dogs, my husband has to orientate me to what year it is and how old the kids are and what is going on in a really quick space of time.  Lots of changes have happened around the house and in our lives that I simply can't recall.  So I would say no this hasn't improved or changed.  I get through each day by reading facebook a lot I know this seems crazy but it does give me clues on things that have been going on.  I think that my memory loss is the hardest part for me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't cope very well when I am not in control and not remembering yesterday and not knowing what is coming without reading a journal or a daily diary is probably as far from in control I could possibly be. - All of this is still pretty much true for me.  I probably appear ok, or pretty much normal, from what I read I think this is partly because I am getting better at covering or making sure I read up as much as I can before I have to interact with others.  I know there are comments on how much time I am spending on Facebook but honestly it is fantastic to be able to bring me up to date in a really quick period of time!  If you ever need to remember something check your activity log! 

I think we made it through Christmas and New Year ok.  From the photos I have seen from this time it looks like I had a nice time surrounded by our families and it looks like NYE was a great night surrounded by family.  My writing tells me that while I was exhausted we managed to make it through pretty much ok.

Watching 50 First Dates it is very apparent to me how much my family loves me and especially my hubby.  Every morning it seems that he brings me up to speed with the most major things and then leaves me to read if I want to.  It is truly exactly like every night my slate is wiped clean and I start all over again.  It is really hard for me each day, but I can only imagine how exhausting and frustrating it is for my hubby and kids having to remind me every day what is going on.

I am off now to probably find something else to watch because even though it has been on while I have been writing this up it is really kind of depressing for me because it isn't nearly as much fun for me or the family in real life.  One thing I do know for sure is that my hubby must love me to keep doing this every day!  

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

hugs

Cathy xoxo