Apart from the distinct lack of control it actually feels like I almost climbed out of the hole that I have been in. Well not nearly out and probably not even close to the top, maybe though there was just a little bit of sunlight peeking through all the grey and darkness and dirt and crap that had been covering me for so long. It no longer feels like that.
Image source: Michael Benanav for The New York Times
It feels like I have lost my grip and I am in free fall without a chute and loosing site of the teensy bit of light that I had. It feels as though as I fall I am disturbing the dirt and try to find something to grip onto and I am bringing that back down on top of myself, slowly suffocating me in the process. It is covering me again and I can't open my chute to slow the fall.
I am not sure what has caused me to loose my grip though I can see from my writing it has been a pretty sad news week so perhaps that has something to do with it. It could be the post Christmas come down, we have a biggish family and that time between Christmas and New Year is typically busy for us, in addition of course to the normal craziness of the lead up. I suspect that I was operating on adrenalin during that period of time and trying so hard to hold it together for everyone around me let's face it who wants to be around a sad sack at Christmas time. This has to be playing a part.
Sometimes these dreams can be incredible I can do and achieve incredible things, all my dreams and hopes for the future, for my family, my friends it is like living in an alternate reality. The last couple of nights however, the dreams have not been like that.
The first one was where there was a big group of us on a cruise and someone humiliated me terribly doing something that was completely out of character for them and everyone was sitting around laughing at me because they all knew ahead of time and it was like I was the last person to know. This dream was so horrible I woke up crying and I spent the day believing all the horrible things that happened in the dream. It would seem that I spent the day sending text messages to get reassurance that the events that happened were in fact just a dream and not real. The messages are beyond ridiculous in all honesty that doesn't seem that it has stopped my brain believing them and perpetuating them over and over (I am still feeling the feels from that today!).
My second dream was not quite as bad though it was equally as bizarre and the primary theme of this one was that at every turn I was managing to let everyone down because I was trying to be everything to everyone but achieving nothing at all. This one was actually more bizarre because there was only a couple of people I knew in real life in it the rest of the people were either imaginary or blogs I have read or even ridiculously famous people. Yet again, because I was letting people down left, right and centre there were a lot of not so nice feels in this dream. I have been very blah from it. It has really left me in an incredible funk. In addition to the free fall with no chute none of this is leaving me in a very great place.
Certainly not feeling like I want to go anywhere or see anyone. So I was actually a little bit excited when hubby said he was taking the kids out for the morning which meant I could have some time alone. I thought of all the things I could do with that time but instead because I am so exhausted I just did nothing. I have a long list of things I really WANT to do and one thing I feel I MUST get done before next Thursday but absolutely no motivation to get it done. Partly because my brain keeps telling me that regardless of what I do I will never be good enough, I will let people down over and over, I am completely useless and unlovable so why bother. No-one would even notice if I wasn't here.
Thing is I rationally know that these things that my brain is telling me are not the truth but I don't seem to be able to believe the good. It is these lies that my brain keeps telling me that are stronger and far more overwhelming at the moment. I think I know, at least I need to hold onto the fact that I have climbed out once before and this time I can recognise I am falling again so maybe, hopefully I won't be down there so long.
In the meantime send me a lifeline for me to hold onto. And if you see me with a smile on my face please don't let that fool you into thinking I am ok, I might be, but there is a very good chance I am crumbling inside just like kinetic sand. So if you see me smiling and I tell you that I am fine and you think maybe I am not don't ask again just give me a hug or squeeze my hand to let me know that you are there for me.
Anyone experiencing personal difficulties can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au or contact Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au
Brick - Ben Folds Five