Saturday, November 28, 2015

What is that smell??? **Warning don't read if you have a sensitive tummy**

I was walking through the kitchen/backroom area this morning and all I could smell was vomit.  But as neither of these rooms are typically where vomit would be found in our house (bedroom or bathroom yes but not the kitchen!) I was confused.

I figured that where it was coming from it was highly unlikely to be vomit but what could it be.  In the very short period of time prior to leaving for cricket this morning I moved a few things on the bench and thought I had narrowed it down to some old dried milk on the bench (gross I am very well aware of this!) so I hit it with lavender spray and wipe.  That seemed to make a big difference but I could still smell it on the other side of the bench.  I called out for some boiling water and a huge dose of  lavender
disinfectant if I couldn't find the source I was going to quickly disinfect the floors before heading out.  

As we left I felt pretty chuffed with myself I had located the source of the stench, I was reliably told by the 10yr olds that smell had been around for a few days!  Thank goodness for amnesia these are the things that I don't remember and am very happy not to! 

When we got home from cricket the 14yr old walked through the same space I had earlier and exclaimed blergh all I can smell is vomit.  This is when someone pipes up to say that there was some washing that had possibly sat a little too long in the laundry so maybe that was the source of the smell.  But it just didn't seem to be nearly as strong out there.  

After the boys headed back out for another 6 hours of cricket (because 3 is not enough in the morning and there will also be another 3 or so tonight thanks to the Day/Night test!) I was determined to find the source.  It was getting impossible to walk into the kitchen.  I was starting to think that perhaps something had died and I was really starting to worry.  

There are a couple of things I don't do at all: 

*  Rodents of any kind!  Rats, mice, house trained mice your name it I scream.  In fact I have been known to scream so loudly that a mouse keeled over, hubby likes to tease me that I screamed it to death! 

*  Dead things of any kind!  Especially dead rodents! 

With that in mind I was really starting to get worried that perhaps I was going to have to deal with a dead rodent as the smell was not going away.  That was when I found it!  

A half full metal jug that had clearly once been home to left over frothy milk from the coffee machine!  The contents of this jug no longer resembled milk in any form (including liquidity!) I yelled for more lavender disinfectant and hot water set to boiling ... 

And just like that the smell is gone.  Please help me feel a little better about myself and share your random pungent smell stories!  

New rule folks if there is EVER left over milk after frothing tip it out or drink it up but do not leave lying around for Mum to locate at a significantly later date! 

Hope your Saturday is better smelling than mine.  Though with all the lavender I have used and the lavender melts I have on the go this is much closer to it and I am likely to give myself a headache with all the lavender!

Cathy xoxo 

Friday, November 27, 2015


Suddenly everything changes.  Just like that your world and everything you know is different.  You wonder how on earth life will ever be normal again.  When events occur suddenly there is no time to process what is happening, why and how.  Sometimes these sudden events can be happy, life changing events do not always mean bad but in my experience typically these events happen and rarely are the happy.  

Some years before I married hubby, I had a few (well more than a few but no-one has time for all that) sudden life changing events.  These events have shaped who I am today.  That phone call in the middle of the night, that piercing scream and knowing that my world had changed forever will live with me forever.  Putting my parents in the car, waving them away for Dad to take Mum to be with her siblings and knowing that they were counting on my brother and I to get through the next day or so for them and the business, I grew up so much in that instant. 

A few years later and many other sudden events later (non of them good), suddenly my life changed in a way I could never have imagined.  My partner, my love was gone.  It was as if it all happened in slow motion that afternoon.  Somehow I had a sense, an urgency, more than a need to speak to him, we had spoken a few times that day but there was this nagging sense that wouldn't go away.  I called no answer, I called again this time someone answered but told me he was not available which was odd it was his mobile.  I tried again this time it went to message bank.  I still had this incredibly sense of dread that something was not right.  I called the hospitals in the area but he either hadn't arrived there yet or they just weren't saying.  I called his dad but he wasn't answering, I called his sister and left a message declaring that I was sure that something had happened could she please call me as soon as she heard from him or had any news.  

What I know now is that the person who answered the phone was one of the police in attendance.  His dad wasn't answering his phone on purpose and his sister never got the message her partner erased it when he heard my voice because he knew.  I was filled with a complete sense of dread (I was well passed the worry, anxiety and even panic) as I drove home in Sydney traffic constantly re-dialing, even calling my parents in case they had heard from him.  I had not long gotten in the door and the phone rang and suddenly my world collapsed around me, this time it was my body screaming, my body collapsing, my brain not taking in the words that were being said to me.  He was dead, a workplace accident.  Suddenly, everything changed in that moment.  I was different, my life was different, my future would be different.  

The happy ending to that story is that my husband is a wonderful man, who was a good mate of mine in the wings, who stood by me and supported me and slowly helped me to know love again.  Gently he walked with me until I was ready.  One day I was and suddenly much to my surprise he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me!  Perhaps if he'd known what was ahead of us he may have run while he still had a chance but I suspect he would have stayed he's pretty great like that!  

It could be argued that my world changed suddenly again this year.  I suspect that when everything fell apart it felt sudden to everyone including me.  Though in reality my breakdown was not really sudden but a very long, slow buildup with an extremely sudden event that made all of us sit up and take notice.  

Yesterday, it was my oldest's birthday,  funnily enough even this event in my life was sudden, unexpected and completely unplanned.  The quick back story is that I had been told many years earlier that babies would not be in my future.  So, finding out I was pregnant just after my 30th birthday party was very sudden and unexpected.  This was one of the very rare sudden events that was a happy one for me.  I would love to say the pregnancy was long, uneventful with no sudden changes but this was not to be.  Even though it was a complicated and difficult in the end his birth was still sudden and in an instant I knew my life would never be the same.  Years later my life would change suddenly again when we thought we were having baby number two but the ultrasound showed baby two AND three, again life was going to be different and it all happened suddenly.  (Anyone who has been told they are expecting multiples will understand this feeling - and in case you are wondering NO you cannot do anything to try to have or to avoid having multiples!) 

Yesterday, we travelled to a funeral.  We said goodbye to a friend.  Someone that my hubby had known for over 20 years and me just a bit less.  For his wife and son though a week earlier their lives had changed suddenly with no warning, no build up and no time to take in what was to come.  My heart aches for them I understand how profoundly that sudden change can impact your life, your being, and everything you think you know.  They are strong, they have each other and will draw comfort and strength from each other and their wider families and communities.  None of that will dent the impact of how a moment in time can change everything so suddenly, so profoundly that their lives will never be the same.  

Sometimes events that happen suddenly can be great, they give those of us prone to anxiety no time to think we simply have to react.  Sometimes the thinking is what holds us back from something that could be great.  Sadly though, in my experience most events that happen suddenly are not good and will not have happy endings.  My theory on why things that happen suddenly are much harder is time.  There is no time to think, no time to process, no time to come to terms with things before life takes over and we have to go through the motions.  When things happen suddenly we have to process and live at the same time. 

Whether it be good or bad something that happens suddenly will change you profoundly and forever.  

Cathy xoxo

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Songs that make you laugh

A good friend of mine has been doing a 30 day song challenge.  She has been really good at posting a song every day using the following prompts.  I was going ok in the beginning and she was fantastic at reminding me then it all got too hard.

Today however, the prompt I saw on her private page made me think of a whole lot of songs and I thought for a bit I fun I would inflict them on you as well.

If we just quickly run through the list I will give you my answers.  I would love to hear yours to any or all of these. 

1.  Throw your arms around me - Hunters & Collectors 
2.  Here's Johnny - Hocus Pocus 
3.  Walking on sunshine - Katrina & the Waves 
4.  Wires - Athlete 
5.  Bat Out of Hell - Meatloaf 
6.  The Slab - Hunters & Collectors 
7.  Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes 
8.  Paradise by the Dashboard Light - Meatloaf 
9.  Moondance - Van Morrison 
10.  Can't think of a song that makes me fall asleep 
11.  Holy Grail - Hunters & Collectors 
12.  Hmmm I don't really hate any bands 
13.  Trance - Loria Jonzun 
14.  I Kissed a Girl - Jill Sobule 
15.  Little Ray of Sunshine - Axiom
16.  Anything that is over played on the radio! 
17.  I can't remember yesterday so I don't know! 
18.  Lock It - Falling Joys 
19.  Wednesday Night - Clouds
20.  Have I Told You Lately - Van Morrison 
21.  Spinning Around - Kylie 
22.  Days Like These - Van Morrison 
23.  Into My Arms - Nick Cave (I did play this and Kylie Minogue in the Church!) 
24.  Forest Gump Feather Theme
25.  Too many to list but I will include a few youtube clips! 
26.  Music Box Dancer 
27.  Anything really 
28.  Break on Through - The Doors 
29.  Girl You'll be a Woman Soon - Neil Diamond
30.  Throw Your Arms Around Me - Hunters & Collectors 

Now for the songs that make me laugh 

Irish Twelve Days of Christmas 

Star Trekking Across the Universe

The Duck Song 

Hope you also get a giggle out of these and "Have you got any grapes?" 

Cathy xoxo 

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

My Premmie Babies

Today it is World Prematurity Day.  It is a day where we think of the babies who came too early and grew wings too soon.  We think of the research and the amazing medical advances that enable others born too soon to live.  We think of the knowledge that we have to help babies stay just that little bit longer because we all know that even an hr longer can make a difference.  We think about the amazing technologies that we have now to know sometimes it is better for baby to be out than in even if it is too soon.  And for me it is a day when I count my blessings that are my three beautiful, healthy, amazing children all of whom were born early.

My pregnancy with Zac was difficult from word go and an incredible surprise to everyone as I was under the impression that babies had been ruled out for me.  At least that is what the Drs had told me.   I was in and out of hospital for one reason or another and had various complications.  Zac decided that it was nearly time to meet us at 25wks, thank goodness for us the care my Dr gave me at that time slowed the progress of this to a stop which gave us a slight reprieve.  The second time Zac thought it would be a good idea to meet us was at 28wks and whilst his outcomes would have been significantly better at 28wks than 25wks it was still in reality far too soon.  So again my Dr was able to intervene and slow things to a stop.  Each time administering high doses of steroids to me to help the development of Zac's lungs in case he did come.  The third and final time that Zac decided he was done growing inside and wanted out there was no stopping things.  Apart from anything my waters had broken this time.

We arrived at the hospital about about 930 in the morning (after a shower, putting sheets in the washing - yes my waters broke in the bed thank goodness for mattress protectors and foam toppers!, waking hubby, getting him in the shower, packing my bag and driving myself via my parents to the hospital - someone was too drunk to drive from celebrations with a mate the night before!) and were quickly ushered into a delivery suite checked over and told get comfy it's on like donkey kong this time.  Well not quite, a drip was put up more drugs were administered to slow the rate of contractions to try to get another 24hrs so that two steroid shots could take effect!  At one point the drip was up as high as possible and still the contractions came.  The midwives sent hubby home for some rest as they were really hoping to get the 24hrs.

Next morning rolled around drip was taken down and we were letting nature take it's course.  I was exhausted 24hrs in a delivery suite with no tv, not allowed out of bed in case moving started things up, no wifi or iPads or iPhones or Facebook to keep me entertained in 2001 and all the while I was hooked up to a drip that was supposed to be slowing the rate of the contractions.  The main problem was that the drip was causing my heart to race so there was a fine line between too much and not enough and I was still having fairly regular contractions.  I was determined not to have an epidural because I was petrified at the thought of the needle!  Slowly and by slowly I mean super slowly things started to happen.  Because he was my first baby and I had had some surgery on some bits no-one was really sure what to expect and he was only 31wks so I was also told to be prepared he might need to go to a NICU at another hospital.  So calls were made to find beds in case this was needed.  Eventually it was all systems go and when it happened things started to happen incredibly quickly!  Because he was prem we had a myriad of people in the delivery suite with us.  We had Obstetrics Dr and Registrar, Paediatrics Dr and Registrar and 3 midwives plus one from the Special Care Nursery plus hubby and my mum (who wasn't meant to be there but was it was just timing!)

At 3.30pm on 26/11/01 we were incredibly blessed with our amazing baby boy (whom we didn't know was a boy until he was born) he was born crying he had great apgar scores and hubby got to cut the cord before he was wrapped up to keep warm and all three of us there got to have a hold, fleeting but a hold!

This is our gorgeous boy on the day he was born so so perfect! 

This is him about Day 4 under lights for jaundice but otherwise doing really well. 

In the end he was incredible.  He really only had to stay in hospital until he could regulate his body temperature, take all suck feeds and the jaundice was sorted.  In all this was only 19 short days.  Nothing short of amazing really.  Home before Christmas.  

I think actually he knew something we didn't this is one of a handful of photos I have with my only living grandparent my Pop with Zac.  This was the day he came home at my Pop's 85th Birthday celebration.  Pop was only with us for 2 more months after this he passed away on the day we had Zac Baptised.  He may never have seen Zac if he hadn't come early or at least not been aware.  I treasure these photos.  

This is our gorgeous boy today, fit, healthy, strong and 14 in 9 days time!  
We couldn't be happier!

It took me a long time to get my head around the fact that if we had anymore babies that there was every likelihood they would be premature as well.  I also had a nice healthy dose of Post Natal Depression (it is also Peri & Post Natal Depression Awareness week this week!).  But once I got there we very amazingly and miraculously fell pregnant with twins.  I cried from the moment I was told for close on three weeks!  

The pregnancy with the girls was even more complicated and had a whole raft of twin complication issues!  I was not in and out of hospital as much with the girls but did spend 5 weeks at RWH n Randwick which was just awful as my family was in Wollongong.  At 32wks I was discharged from Randwick told to go home stay on strict bedrest and wait.  I was so completely over being pregnant I wanted my life back and my babies out.  I was tired from all the crappy complications and the size of a whale.  

At 34wks on the dot I woke up and just knew it was like a felt them drop.  I rang my Dr on his mobile he was in theatre doing a c-sect and he said get yourself up to hospital.  We rang daycare to get Zac in for the day explaining the situation and while hubby dropped him there I had a shower and got ready to go because I knew this was it.  I rang the hospital to let them know I was on the way.  Hubby dropped me off and then went to park the car.  Not long after we arrived we heard my Dr in fact the midwives hadn't even had a chance to check me over or decide if my Dr actually needed to be there.  But I knew in myself they were coming that day.  My Dr came in said hi and did the only internal I had all pregnancy for so many reasons.  Anyway, my Dr was a really chatty man normally and he went silent I looked at him and knew from his face.  He told me not to move until they came to get me for theatre it was on.  Then there was a rush because if contractions started there was a very real concern that I or the babies might bleed to death because of the location of my placenta and it's vessels - I had a condition called vasa previa among so many others but this one was a real issue.  

The anaesthetist was called and the Neonatal Unit notified that twins were being born that day.  I had very early on arranged with my Dr that if I had to have a c-sect I was having a general and he was fine with this.  But the anaesthetist still tried to talk me into a epidural.  It was hard work getting the canula in because my veins were hiding so there was blood everywhere but eventually I was wheeled in.  I gave hubby a kiss goodbye and went in by myself.  He called my parents and his parents while he waited for me due to the general he couldn't come into the theatre but he had a super important job and that was to name our babies when they came out.  At 1234pm and 1235pm on 05/05/05 our beautiful girls Charlotte & Lillian were born.  Charli was the bigger of the two but needed a little bit more support than Lil.  He had polaroids of the girls sent down and my parents were waiting for me when I woke up.  I remember being perfectly content the girls were born they were both alive I was alive all was good.  I was wheeled up to the maternity floor and I was just really happy to stay in my bed.  My mum on the other hand was very keen for me to see the girls because we had a rule that no-one but hubby could see our girls before I did.  Mum & Dad were heading off to pick Zac up and bring him back because he didn't know what had happened that day and they were pretty keen to see the girls.  

This was as close as I could get to my precious Charlotte as she needed a little bit of Oxygen and needed to stay in there.  But I knew she was going to be fine and she was just amazing!  It would be a couple of days before I actually got to have a proper hold of Charlotte. 

Our beautiful Lillian I was able to have a tiny little proper hold with her.  I honestly couldn't believe it I had always wanted a little girl and here I was blessed with two, even better all three of us made it through! 

The girls a few hours after their birth.  Even though they were a few weeks older gestation wise than their brother they needed just that little bit more help in the beginning. 

Charli on leaving day a short 13 days after she made her early entry into the world we were taking her home. 

Lil was just as ready to get out of there.  In fact they slept through the whole process, the giant pram and the transfer into the car.  Then we headed off to pick up big brother from daycare what a surprise he was going to get! 

Charli big and strong and just awesome!  

Lil is just that tiny bit more daring!  Look mum no hands! 

Some reflections on being a mum to prems means that I never take any day at all for granted!  Sure I get cross with the kids and man oh man they can drive me mental.  But not a day goes by that I don't appreciate them for the miracles that they are and know that we are incredibly blessed many of my friends who also had prems have vastly different outcomes to our babies.  There is nothing in the world that can ever put into words that first night you go home from hospital and you have to leave your baby/ies behind.  Walking into your house, into the nursery and not having your baby is heartbreaking but then again I know that things could have been very different and are for many, many families at least we eventually got to take our babies home.  

Never underestimate the power of that connection you have with your child, today my kids have been in trouble and I had to be The Enforcer something I really don't like but nothing will ever stop me loving them. 

Lastly, thank you to all the amazing maternity and SCU Nursery staff at The Sutherland Hospital who made sure Zac arrived in our arms safely.  Dr David Morgans you are our hero.  Also, a huge thank you goes out to Dr David Greening, Dr Greg Kesby, all the maternity staff at the RWH Randwick and all the maternity and NNU staff at Wollongong hospital.  Without all of you we wouldn't have our gorgeous babies.  

Hug your babies tight. 

Cathy xoxo

Thursday, November 12, 2015

An insight into my scrambled brain ...

Kerri Sackville (an amazing writer check her out if you don't already read her stuff!) shared this excerpt from her book The Little Book of Anxiety 

on her Facebook page today.  Seriously I had to read the words and look at the picture nearly a dozen times to take it in.  I have spent a lot of today reading over journals and catching myself up to here.  There is a huge amount to take in.  I read this picture over and over mainly because it is one of the many, many things my psychologist and I were working on at our last session.  I started writing a reply to Kerri on Facebook and quickly realised that it was far too long to put on there as a reply! 

It seems that I have decided in my head that I am a big, fat fraud and as a result of this revelation to myself that everyone around me is really just humouring me and at some point will all realise that I am this big, fat fraud and run a mile.  From what I have written down it would seem that I pretty much rattled off each one of Kerri's dot points above.  

Here are some of what my psychologist had to say to me in rebuttal: 

  • Regardless of what i visualise it might or might no happen there is nothing I can do about it and in the process may make it happen ( in my case on Monday my particular fear/anxiety was around that I am a big, fat fraud and that eventually everyone who has ever turned to me for advice, that I may have given and they followed or any friend I have been a shoulder for or my husband might discover that I am actually really a shitty person and leave me so ultimately my biggest anxiety is around that I will be discovered for being a big fat impersonator or being an adult type person with real and valid thoughts.  Let's face it this can't possibly be true because I had to spend time in rehab learning how to use my arm and leg again because my brain was so scrambled that it had to physically stop my from using parts of my body so I would stop and understand that there was a problem with my brain!  So really who in their right mind would ever listen to a single word I have to say because I am so full of nothing that is of value or valid.  She was telling me that the more I worry the more likely I am to push people away because everyone who was here for me at rock bottom are still here so why would they leave now.  
  • Worrying about worst case really, truly won't make me more prepared it will just mean that I have worried time away. 
  • If worst case does happen I will still hurt and be devastated but I will pick myself up and move forward because I have before and I will again. 
  • If I don't worry it might or might not happen but it hasn't happened yet and we don't know what tomorrow holds only what is now. 
  • I will be devastated regardless and being prepared will not change this (as much as I want it to!) 
  • I have absolutely no basis to think that things won't be the worst case because I have a crazy amount of worst case in my past.  So my brain is completely conditioned to believe that the worst will happen regardless.  But then I feel like a really selfish and crappy person because I live in Australia and I have systems and structures all around me if i fall.  I am not living in war torn Syria or Sudan just struggling to find water or food or a safe refuge for my children.  What right do I have to think that people I love dying or having anxiety or prem babies or you name it means that I have any reason to think that my life is so goddam special I shouldn't have some suffering.  
  • And lastly if I don't worry I simply can't imagine that it feels like a nirvana somewhere with unicorns that fart rainbows with pots of gold at each end!

In addition I have a few more crazy ones of my own: 

  • Fear of not being liked - because I don't like myself so once people (anyone) gets to know the real me they won't like me either. 
  • Fear of being alone - because who would want to be around me! 
  • Fear of rejection - so I won't try to make any new friends and boy putting things out there on a blog where people can actually read my crazy that is a huge challenge to the fear of rejection!
  • Fear of success - seriously what will happen if I actually do get to a point where my mind is a bit more together and I can start to work on my dreams and they come together what then?! 
  • Fear of change - let's face it I am not alone here this is a pretty common fear.  But I do know a few people that thrive on change but I am not one of them!  
  • Fear of choice - like I said I am a special breed of crazy!  Who wouldn't want the luxury of time and choice and future and the opportunity to quiet the crazy and have the opportunity to wipe the slate clean to explore the choice of where to from here!  I am so lucky and blessed to have a huge loving network of family and friends and Australian healthcare system to be able to have this time to get "better' and "find me" in all of this.  Seriously, who gets this opportunity and is is scared of it! 
  • Fear of myself - Yeap I am afraid of myself and who I might be at the end of all this.  What if I am actually just a really awful person?  What then?  For the record my psychologist doesn't believe this to be the case, she actually believes at the core I am the helpful, loving, supportive, giving, creative person that I have always been she just needs me to believe that too.  
Today, hasn't been a great day for me.  Not really sure why I have had a lot of tears and I have done a lot of reading.  But I also had a session with my old physio and I haven't seen her for probably 18mths so there was a lot to catch her up on plus I had some dry needling which often does make me feel a bit emotional (even though the needles where in my bum).  Plus someone whom I haven't seen since all this happened but was directly affected by some of my actions* over the last few years got in touch and wants to have a cuppa.  They are just concerned with me and that is it but I just don't think I am ready, I am not ready to stop beating myself up for being such a bad person so I don't understand how they (or anyone else like family) can.  But that is probably something for a another day.  So amongst all of this there have been tears, anxiety, racing heart, fear and so many other things.  

One thing I did write down at the psychologist was that I said more than once was that "I know this isn't rational" her very considered response was that emotions are not rational and they do not ever have to be they just are.  It would also seem that I did a whole lot of eye rolling in my session with her because regardless of what she thinks of me and regardless of her over thirty years of training and clinical experience with people like me, surely she can't actually think that I am ever going to believe anything except the bad about myself or life.  

Sorry for the big blergh today has not been a good day for me so it felt kind of nice when reading Kerri's page that I found out there were a few more out there just like me!  It feels like I have a tribe!  And a really cool tribe at that!

Big love and hugs to everyone 

Cathy xoxo

Thanks Kerri for the inspiration!

* I should just add that I have apologised both in writing and in person throughout this year. To the best of my knowledge these apologies have been accepted and well received. I don't believe that catching up with them is anything other than just that catching up to see how I am doing. I have already resolved all the issues that were there from the past.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Maybe yes, Maybe No ...

It's been a while since I have had anything to say.  In a way that is not exactly true, my head is so completely full with so many thoughts but at the same time feels like it is full of cotton wool.  It is actually really hard to find one thought and turn that into something that makes sense.

Life is still a challenge, I actually think this is really the new normal for now at least.  Physically I am doing much better.  In fact my physio thinks I am nice and strong now.  I am still quite dizzy most days and my balance is still not quite there but overall from where I was to where I am physically she is really happy.  I need to keep doing what I am doing and keep using the stick so that I don't fall over  if I have a dizzy spell.  I also read that I have had a huge blow to my independence and that is for now my Dr does not believe that I have the cognitive function to hold a Drivers Licence.  While at the moment this doesn't feel so bad, I know that the reality of that will set in one day when I am feeling a bit better and more aware and want to just drive.

The big uphill climb is my mental health.  Apparently I had my 29th session with my psychologist this week, I say apparently because I am still very much living by my journal writings.  If it is not written down or recorded in someway then for now it pretty much hasn't happened.

Life can be pretty difficult when you live through other people filling in your gaps and reading over journals.  It can be really hard to piece together what is happening and why.  What I do understand is that this form of amnesia is called dissociative amnesia and is predominantly related to anything that relates to me and my place in the world.  The amnesia, balance, dizziness and the headaches that I seem to have written about a few times are forms of protection.  My brain is still very much operating in safe mode and does all of these things to in a sense force me to stop and sit and feel.

Functional Neurological Symptom Disorder is the formal diagnosis (with a pretty decent side dish of depression, anxiety and PTSD.)  FNSD can be a really confusing term but essentially if we think of the brain as a computer this is a software issue not hardware.  Continuing with that analogy for me the amnesia is a lot like that all of my memories for a very, very long time have been sitting in my working RAM and nothing has been adequately processed and filed away.  This is the process that I need to do now and I am in the fortunate situation of having a lot of love and support around me to be able to do this while my brain is in safe mode.  Unfortunately, the process is going to be long and quite possibly emotionally painful for me.

I am not 100% sure why this has happened or why I didn't ever process events in my life properly.  What I can say is that perhaps there will be no reason for this, perhaps there will, perhaps I will never know.  For now though I need to try to learn to sit with fear, the fear and uncertainty of the future, the fear of processing the past, the fear of letting go and not controlling everything, you name it I most likely have some fear surrounding it.  This goes for the good things too.  I still get incredibly anxious about life, seeing people, going out and about, I suspect a lot of this is attached to the amnesia issues but for now we don't know.  What I know is that I am climbing out slowly of the hole I have found myself in but first I need to dig through all the dirt that has fallen in and cover over the hole and be open to what will come.  This for me is probably the hardest part of all the unknown and that the end of my story is not written.

I will leave you with this Chinese Proverb:

Cathy xoxo

For more information about Functional Neurological Symptom Disorder